Monday, April 7, 2014

Why so few updates?

Two main reasons.

I would love to blog more about my work as I work in the games industry. The problem is that I work in the games industry. Toilet paper rolls need to sign non-disclosure agreements to even get into the city where I live, more or less. Maybe not entirely true, but almost. It could be. So, I can't talk about that. Yet.

The other things I could write about is my life. However, for some reason, I seldom talk in detail about my life other than to complain about stuff. Not that I'm in any way a depressed or bitter guy. I think my life is fairly normal in its ups and downs. But for some reason I feel that the things that are closest to my heart... is private. Even things that are fully normal. I tend to keep those things for myself. I think it's because I feel so strong for them and cherish them so much that I don't want other people's input in fear that they might, deliberately or not, diminish them.

Part of me just wants to go my own way. I do in a lot of things. I like it and would rather have a slightly more quieter life than I have now. I'm an introvert and do well in small circles. I live with people I love beyond myself and I want nothing more than to focus my attention on them.

And part of me wanting to go my own way is because I've grown so incredibly tired over the years of people having opinions about everything that other people do. Opinions that go so far as to stand in the way of others with no clear benefit or reason other than possibly skewing the world into their idealized - and distorted - reality. Opinions that push for laws forbidding people from loving the people they want and living the way they want, with only the opinionated bystander's best at heart. Even opinions that forbid other opinions, like some religious groups that think that their opinions deserve more protection than those of others.

I'm tired of being active in political discussions, because I care far too much about some things to back down and be quiet. This also drains me as it can sometimes fill all of my waking hours, playing a debate over and over, trying to figure out the best way to formulate what I mean so that the point might come across at least to someone. Over the years however I guess I've been burned by the fact that most "debates" - at least those online - draw the attention of people who just want to state their opinions and well... I guess "be immature" is the short version of it.

I love a mature and diplomatic argument that stays mature, because they can accelerate a learning process like crazy in all involved parties. Not only may others realize your point of view, you get to understand theirs, and somewhere in the sometimes chaotic soup of it all... people, me certainly included, can start thinking in other ways and views can actually change.

I've taken a long journey through my life. My views have changed because of others but mostly because of myself. The most important change happened in my teenage years when I grew tired of hating myself, and decided that "hey, maybe I do like guys too and should stop militantly denying it". Since then, I made it a point to always be ready to question my values and beliefs, most of which had come from others anyway. Some stayed the same, some grew stronger as I explored them and some unraveled completely like a fuzzed up ball of yarn becoming a simple string that led nowhere. Disposable.

Metaphoric enough for ya? I think I'm going to stop here for now.

Anyway... Ijust jumped back into politics for a bit. Only for a little while. We'll see where that goes. Scary as hell. Whatever happens I bet that I and my loved ones can live the lives we want anyway, if not just somewhere else and with a lot of work. Then I might actually start writing more, when I feel that I have more control of my life.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Oh, f-ck

The title summarizes what I feel right now.

The weekend passed and I got absolutely no time to just recharge. A friend turned 30 and had a really nice party which I of course don't regret attending, and the day after had me and my mate go for some much needed furniture shopping. A good weekend, but oh how I feel the repercussions of not taking even one single day off from it all.

The game client is compiling. I need to get in there and look some things up before moving on to my other point on my schedule - defining what sounds we'll need to request from our sound artist. It looks like I need to do a full recompile. That'll take an hour. Guess I'll have to start with the list anyway.

The reason I'm on my seldom updated blog right now is that f-ck. I need to vent. Not anger or anything like that, but just everything. My load is currently extremely high, higher than I'm used to, but the difference between now and - say - 6 years ago, is that feel that I can handle it. But, I need to shut down now and then and recharge. To wake up one day of the week at least and think "hey, what's the time? oh, it's THAT day, I don't need to care... but I'm up now, so what to do? yeah I think I'll fire Guild Wars 2 up... no wait, I'll just not get up from the couch and then I'll look at something stupid on Netflix. or, some tutorials on some cool thing that I've been wondering about for a while..."

I'm not really getting that here on the blog, of course, but at least I'm braiding text out of the strands of my mind and getting some feelings out in some form of orderly fashion. It feels soothing. It helps, I think.

I've got a cup of coffee before me and the game is still compiling. I started watching "Moon" on Netflix yesterday and got halfway through. That's a movie I probably would have never watched if it wasn't for that new service (new to Sweden anyway) where I can just click and watch instantly. It's nice. It's very different and I want to know what happens next. I'll probably finish it in the evening. And that's another thing - I'm looking forward to watching a movie. Movies. Like, I haven't done that in many years because getting to the point of watching something is always filled with obstacles. If it isn't the drag of downloading a torrent it is the drag of buying a disc absolutely filled with advertisements... that I just paid for. Buying a DVD or Bluray today almost feels like willingly kicking yourself in the crotch, taking a photo of it and shaaaaaaring it with all your friends and family.


Yep, still compiling. This is a long one. So, a sound list...

That reminds me of the LiveStream I did with our publisher Paradox Interactive on last week. You can find it here. It's an hour of babbling and game play from "my" latest DLC release for Magicka, "Dungeons & Daemons". I haven't watched it myself yet actually, but I know it's rather lame and embarrassing. I was relatively prepared for it, I thought, but then they changed the setup at the very last minute and suddenly most of my preparations went through the window. That, and it's two very different things to build English sentences in writing and in speech. And screw trademark symbols - I'm not a representative for anything here but myself and my creativity.

Back to sounds. I'll have to go through all the scenes and "play" it in my head. This'll take a while. Good thing I don't have to wait for my brain to compile. Hm... or is that what this just was?