Monday, April 7, 2014

Why so few updates?

Two main reasons.

I would love to blog more about my work as I work in the games industry. The problem is that I work in the games industry. Toilet paper rolls need to sign non-disclosure agreements to even get into the city where I live, more or less. Maybe not entirely true, but almost. It could be. So, I can't talk about that. Yet.

The other things I could write about is my life. However, for some reason, I seldom talk in detail about my life other than to complain about stuff. Not that I'm in any way a depressed or bitter guy. I think my life is fairly normal in its ups and downs. But for some reason I feel that the things that are closest to my heart... is private. Even things that are fully normal. I tend to keep those things for myself. I think it's because I feel so strong for them and cherish them so much that I don't want other people's input in fear that they might, deliberately or not, diminish them.

Part of me just wants to go my own way. I do in a lot of things. I like it and would rather have a slightly more quieter life than I have now. I'm an introvert and do well in small circles. I live with people I love beyond myself and I want nothing more than to focus my attention on them.

And part of me wanting to go my own way is because I've grown so incredibly tired over the years of people having opinions about everything that other people do. Opinions that go so far as to stand in the way of others with no clear benefit or reason other than possibly skewing the world into their idealized - and distorted - reality. Opinions that push for laws forbidding people from loving the people they want and living the way they want, with only the opinionated bystander's best at heart. Even opinions that forbid other opinions, like some religious groups that think that their opinions deserve more protection than those of others.

I'm tired of being active in political discussions, because I care far too much about some things to back down and be quiet. This also drains me as it can sometimes fill all of my waking hours, playing a debate over and over, trying to figure out the best way to formulate what I mean so that the point might come across at least to someone. Over the years however I guess I've been burned by the fact that most "debates" - at least those online - draw the attention of people who just want to state their opinions and well... I guess "be immature" is the short version of it.

I love a mature and diplomatic argument that stays mature, because they can accelerate a learning process like crazy in all involved parties. Not only may others realize your point of view, you get to understand theirs, and somewhere in the sometimes chaotic soup of it all... people, me certainly included, can start thinking in other ways and views can actually change.

I've taken a long journey through my life. My views have changed because of others but mostly because of myself. The most important change happened in my teenage years when I grew tired of hating myself, and decided that "hey, maybe I do like guys too and should stop militantly denying it". Since then, I made it a point to always be ready to question my values and beliefs, most of which had come from others anyway. Some stayed the same, some grew stronger as I explored them and some unraveled completely like a fuzzed up ball of yarn becoming a simple string that led nowhere. Disposable.

Metaphoric enough for ya? I think I'm going to stop here for now.

Anyway... Ijust jumped back into politics for a bit. Only for a little while. We'll see where that goes. Scary as hell. Whatever happens I bet that I and my loved ones can live the lives we want anyway, if not just somewhere else and with a lot of work. Then I might actually start writing more, when I feel that I have more control of my life.