Mercetron

Dream of Absolute Loss

2012-01-03T03:12:00.000-08:00

So tonight I had a really horrible dream. With a bittersweet aftertaste.

I'll summarize as my memory is fading. In the dream, I was on a star ship on my way back home (oh, hello) from some kind of mission with a squad of individuals of varying galactic origins. Think a mixture of Star Wars and Mass Effect with the space solitude feeling of Sunshine. The galaxy in this dream was both colonized by us and populated by others, in some way or the other.

This dream was not about not finding my way home though, I think. Because on the way we got a transmission that some race had made an example, or something, of Earth. This race was, or was in the control of, quiet enormous semi-mechanical worms (think a 10-story building) with really large and long claws. In an instant, I saw on the display how they entered the Earth's atmosphere and in mere seconds practically pulverized everything, leaving the planet a cratered grey rock.

I was in shock. My home planet was destroyed. I was slightly relieved in the passing thought that humanity had colonies and was therefore not doomed with me being the last, but as it sank in and I realized that everything I had known and been looking forward to and in the past experienced was now permanently and irrevocably gone. It was a mere memory. There was no going back.

But worst of all I knew that Julia was gone without so much as a chance to say good bye, or anything at all for that matter. The destruction came fast and without any prior notice. Suddenly, on a normal day, someone decided it was all going to end. She was gone. I had nothing but a memory and no hope of ever seeing her again, to share a future with her. The previous relieving thought of humanity's small colonies became pointless because I could not bring her there. She had been taken from me.

I think I awoke somehow at this point, or at least partly. It might have been her wake-up alarm, or mine, that woke me up, I don't remember. I do remember looking over towards her side of the bed and being filled with such... fantastic relief. She was there. Sleeping.

Again, I fell asleep. This time I was in some snowy landscape and there were other humans and creatures there and it sort of looked like Earth but I knew it wasn't. There were roads, houses, cars, villages, but in the horizon some larger port like structures. The things you'd probably expect to see even if we were to colonize other habitable planets. Not important.

I remember being with others; friends, strangers. I don't remember what we were doing, but we were heading towards some large structure at one part of the dream I think, but it's not important. Julia was, again, gone. Dead. But suddenly... I got from her an SMS, saying something in the way that she missed me and that it was sad that what happened had happened. I think I tried to answer her back but for some reason I couldn't spell the words I wanted to say and I think I never got to send back a response. But I had this feeling of great happiness. I knew that she was going to stay gone forever and that I would never be able to see her again, but I had this.

When I woke up I realized that the happiness and love I felt at that point, from a mere SMS, were probably stronger than most people have or will ever experience.

That Dream

2011-11-22T03:37:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I had old faithful again. The Dream. That Dream.

I was going home from somewhere to somewhere, by train. A very large train, internally, but that's not the point. I had gone shopping for various groceries; some candy I think, perfume, wine. I had my things in an ordinary plastic bag, and was sitting in a rather crowded train. Note that the dream doesn't always take place in a train.

Interestingly, as with all versions of this dream, I felt... alive, social, outgoing. I easily talked to people and they knew me, and I knew them. Many faces are usually of people from my childhood, a very few might be from more recent times, but it's more than often strangers to me in real life.

Suddenly as I prepare to get off the train, as I know it's like 1 or 2 stations left to go, I realize that I can't find my bag. Or can I? The bag I got doesn't seem quite right. I know for sure what I bought at the store, and my partner at home is expecting me to get some of the things for her... But as I look around and compare bags that seem to be spread around, with nobody really caring that I look in them, I start to realize that I don't know exactly what to expect of the bag; I can't remember clearly what I bought, only the concept of it more or less.

I got an idea though. I'd quickly talk to the reception at the train (yes, a reception, remember it was a very large train). I went there and after a strange encounter with a very randomly trolling train engineer, even though somebody right before him just warned me not to talk to him, I found a small crowd of people in front of the reception. I stand in line, and as I get closer I realize that... the line is invalid. For some reason the machine to get your line number was at the front of the line, and so I get my number and... There's like 100 numbers before me, and the receptionist seems to take her good time. People are getting restless. I watch out of the windows and try to determine where I am.

Hm. Strange. I know I'm going homewards, there's no doubt about it but... where am I? I vaguely recognize myself. But surely the next station is home, I will recognize it, and it'll just fall into place. But... how does it look? When I think of it, what does my home look like? My apartment? Do I have a home?

The dream either faded into something else entirely after that or I woke up, but it doesn't really matter. This dream never goes on longer after that anyway.

What I've come to learn from this dream over the many years (more than a decade for sure) is that it seems to revolve around me getting home, but the further I go the more I start realizing that I don't know where home is and the more I start doubting if I can really find it. It feels like it's there, waiting warmly for my arrival, to embrace me in a definite end, but all memory of how it looks and smells and feels are just faded. Like a dream you really try hard to remember, the memory just out of reach.

It's either by school bus, by train, boat, car, walking, space craft perhaps, flying, or a mixture of them all. Sometimes I finally get off the first means of transportation just to go by foot, but usually when the dream lingers on and the further I get spatially in my travel the more lost and insecure I become.

Another element is that there are usually quite a lot of people around, people that I know in one way or another. People I belong with, perhaps. Usually, it's faces from kids of my childhood. Kids from school, and I didn't really know many of them very well at that time to be honest, but I had a little normal circle of friends I guess. As the trip homewards goes on, as the dream goes on, people get off at their stops. Because we're usually all going home. Each time, the crowd grows a little bit smaller, and the familiar faces are more and more replaced by unknown ones. A silence grows into what is usually found on public transportation in larger cities as nobody knows anybody except for perhaps a couple or two chatting in the back.

So by now I'm going somewhere, and I can't remember how it looks, but it feels like I've missed it even though I know I've been alert and kept my eyes open for it. I can't remember where I was supposed to get off, and I've seen all my friends get off to where they belong.

Somehow in all of this I'm rarely sad. I just feel lost. Like the answer is there, just out of reach. I really try my best to reach it or to find someone to tell me where to go, or in recent dreams use my phone's GPS (which suddenly just won't activate).

The day turns slowly to dusk. One often recurring element is that the world is sort of... overgrown. Not abnormally so, but trees are often dark green and lush, tufts of grass break through the asphalt here and there, lawns haven't been mowed in a year or two. It's almost always late spring or something.

If I don't just wake up after the dream, or dream of something else that I can't remember, the dream changes to me probably having exited my means of transportation (just because I felt it pointless to continue by it) and being confused and lost while people around me do stuff. Nothing in particular, just living their lives I guess, while I feel that time is ticking and the warmth of home and those waiting for me there is just... so far away. But what do I know; I can't even remember what it looks like. I think that in a way, I might even sometimes conclude in my dream that that place doesn't even exist.

It's not concrete. It's only abstract. A concept. And the more I try to form in my head what a concrete version of the concept would be... it won't form. Sometimes in the dream I finally know this, but in the beginning I'm always at the same starting point.

I'm tired of this. I guess these dreams aren't far from what I feel in real life.

I can't seem to hack the recipe for breaking this cycle. Once in my life the dream changed. A few years back as I was studying at the University of Skövde the dream changed for the first time in my life. I was going home at the end of the day, accompanied by new friend, and... I'm not sure I arrived at home, as in an apartment or anything, but sometime we stayed up instead of going home. Hit the town, ate some food, hung out. I don't remember that I dreamed this any larger number of times though and it returned to its old self a while after.

So... What now. What ever? Is my concept of home unrealistic? It's (usually, I guess) too abstract for me to determine if its details are flawed or realistic. I know that home for me is where I feel secure and enveloped in warmth and love. I think that pretty much sums it up. Is the concrete form of that a house with an own family? A small apartment with a dog or a cat? I'm not sure it even has to be a place, or any kind of other individual for that matter.

Something with this dream's constant recurrence tells me that there's something wired wrong in my thinking and that it's probably very cemented, so to speak. A defective circle that has fed itself over many years. Not that I'm implying that it's impossible to change it - not at all - but that it's probably very hard for me to do it on my own. I can't even see exactly where the problem lies, or which of my known problems might be the cause (or effect) of it.

Is my dream telling me that I'll never reach my goal or do I simply have faulty goals? Do I even have goals suited for me? Because honestly, I only have a concept of home, not a concrete picture of it. Sometimes I think I have one, but then it changes or fades. Am I looking for a form of finality in a world that I, from realistic thinking, know doesn't exist since everything is always evolving and on its way; in perpetual movement?

The only finality of this, physical, existence that I can think of is death. And no, by the way. I've never had such thoughts and have none now.

The only somewhat lasting continuity of this existence is existing, or life. And regardless if you're locked up inside a room or a cell for all your life, or if you're out travelling the world, your existence isn't always the same. Time passes and you change, your surroundings might change, what you want and need and feel changes. There is no absolute finality in it.

So what is home? Where is my home? Is it really a destination?

That's a very ingrained thing in my way of thinking that with perseverance and time there's a goal, a home, predefined and concrete, waiting in life at the end of a difficult road. That everything I do are steps towards it.

It's actually quite silly when I think of it. I usually see myself as a highly realistic person that makes his decisions based on logic and by weighing real options. I don't think I'm generally too pessimistic though, nor too optimistic, as I deem both extremes to be usually unrealistic. I know by experience that most problems can be solved so I usually don't get gloomy over them. Pissed off at times, yes, but I don't give up until I've either succeeded or exhausted all options.

That's not entirely true. I can't say I apply that mentality on everything, and that might be part of my problem. Or maybe more probably an effect of it.

So yes, at the tip of the tongue is the saying that "the journey is what's important and not the goal" or similar. But that implies that there is a goal.

*break*

Am I blind to what might be staring me in the face all along?

I start out my journey towards the goal home in the presence of friends. Are they, the friends in my dream, home? Another manifestation of my abstract concept of home? With them I feel that I belong, more in the dream than I've felt with any friends in real life. They usually vary from dream to dream, so they're not any certain persons in particular. I think.

Take the dreams I had for a short time while studying at the university. Some, if not all (can't remember), ended with me not going home to a place but I stayed with my friends in one way or another. I was home with them. However, the friends in my dream were mostly those I had closest to me in real life. A certain ms Rosin was one of them back then, I recall. When I dream I can't find home the people are usually mostly kids from my childhood (no particular age though, we just are and are equals).

In these dreams, the only time I feel I belong is before I realize that I don't know where I'm going, where my final goal lies. The only time in the dream I feel close to the embracing warmth of home is before I start realizing that I don't know where the warm embracing home is.

What am I looking for? Friends? Or maybe in other words, love? It's certainly more realistic than the idea of a warm (loving) embracing home as a definite place or destination.

But the kind of love isn't that of passion and romance, that's clear from the dream, but rather of acceptance. Of everyone being themselves and everybody else loving it and expecting it.

So, if the friends (or the manifestation of belonging, of being loved) aren't any people in particular, then what are they?

Painfully obviously me?

*break*

Maybe. And by me I mean what I do and what I am. I have no problem accepting myself or loving what I am and stand for, most of the time.

At the beginning of my university years I felt that I was suddenly allowed to be me much more than ever, to express myself and to be with people that expected nothing different of me and cheered me on.

Maybe then after all, doing what I love is home rather than a future goal or state. I guess that being with actual people that appreciate what I do when I do what I love wouldn't hurt, and ironically... that's not common.

That brings me to another subject. Well, at least I think so.

What if I want goals? In my mind I believe that is what makes me motivated. In reality goals haven't motivated me much so far, though. To be honest, they've mostly been only stressful and potentially been in the way. It's one thing with deadlines when working professionally at a company - they usually get me motivated more the closer to the deadline, but long term personal goals are the opposite.

Perhaps they silently become expectations instead. A goal is reached by committing and putting in great effort. An expectation is just achieving the minimum. And when a goal turns into an expectation like that, the effort still feels as great as when trying to reach a goal but if I expect to reach that goal and fail, I feel like I have let myself down. And I don't have to fail to feel that way, of course. If I subconsciously expect myself to finish and encounter resistance, I feel like I've failed.

Because of that, it's hard as hell to do anything in my spare time (which I have lots of now). I mentally block myself - not because the effort of doing something is too great, but because I expect myself to carry it through until I reach the goal. Expecting great effort in advance is a good way to kill spirits.

So what should I expect of myself?

I know that I am a good game designer, that my English and Swedish are both good, that I have good writing skills, that I understand aesthetics, that I understand programming and how all parts in games come together and how that creates limitations for all parts involved. Maybe knowing this is what makes me expect nothing less than to carry through from start to finish without hiccup (and thus completely devoid of any playful curiosity and experimentation).

So I know I suck at doing things, basically. But that's the thing. I expect myself to just do it and when I don't, which I won't from just saying "just do it", I've let myself down. The circle feeds itself indefinitely.

But yes. That's the root of some of my problems, I think. But I was better at just doing what I loved if I go back a couple of years and yet, the dream was there.

*break*

If the friends during my journey in my dream are a manifestation of home, then what are they?

Maybe they're simply a concept as well and I'm asking the wrong question. Maybe they're not the cause but the effect. So thus, maybe home is not the cause but the effect. Home is not what embraces me in warmth, but the warmth and love that causes me to feel like home.

Home for me is not in the future or someplace else, it can only be here. Where ever I am, and never anywhere else.

As an insight it feels a bit detaching in a way, but maybe I've always been just a bit too sentimental. And it might help explain why I sometimes need to be by myself. If anyone understands and loves me and lets me be me completely, it's me, which is the reason I didn't use the term "need to be alone" because that's not the true feeling.

But I still don't feel like I've come to a conclusion. I've simply asked new questions.

*break*

Maybe one small step of breaking the circle of passivity and give myself more love is to... well, do what I love. Such as playing some games that I rarely play (but love) because whenever I play them I feel guilty for the fact that I'm not doing something productive. And I can't do anything productive because my spirits are shot.

Real Person vs. Social Media Person

2011-10-11T19:52:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not going to rant one bit about personal integrity or the evils of services doing exactly what you signed up for by accepting their terms of service. They might still be evil and rotten and greedy bastards, but it's not what I'm going to talk about.

It's something I've been thinking about for quite a while. Talked to a friend about it the other day and he couldn't other than agree with my thoughts on it. Look at Facebook. The standard user adds contacts to it at a regular basis. Friends, family, co-workers, cousins, and so on. Contacts. People you usually would never ever want to spend time with all at once suddenly bunched up before the Billboard of You.

Personally I felt that what I could write in my feed diminished little by little for each new contact I added. First we had the friends, and then I could write a bit of everything. Oh, now I have a friend from that class. Ok, can't talk much about that class anymore. Oh, now I have someone from that job who might know that and that person. Ok, can't talk freely about work anymore. It goes on and on. You censor yourself. It's fairly natural in the situation.

But - many people on there seem to believe that if you read all posts by me in my feed, you can make a good picture of me. Even otherwise intelligent people. The thing is, I know that if you were to read my feed you'd probably conclude that I'm a cynical and whiny fellow because of what I usually post there. It has come to a point when I don't want to share much of the positives of my life. If I write about future hopes and plans or personal victories then I know that a lot of people that I really don't want very close to me will be able to read it.

The more people you get in your contact list, the less personal you can be. It goes from full and complex to shallow and simple. It's the same as hanging out with a few select friends - you can usually talk about mostly anything. The more people you add to the room, the less personal you can be. You don't know everybody very well and don't want to let them into your private sphere just yet. It's human nature to want to feel safe. It's in our nature not to show our every weaknesses to strangers, be it moments of sadness or happiness.

So what do I post on my facebook account? Usually neutral stuff that nobody cares about anyway, some music link here and there, a photo, and when I dislike something. It can be something or someone, expensive software being incompetently programmed or a movie sucking balls in all the wrong ways. Small annoyances. Because that doesn't let the wrong people in very deeply, I suppose. Close friends tend to understand that. Others... have a tendency of thinking that what they see on facebook is you. The whole you.

Really, that is quite stupid when you think about it. And sometimes you get a reply just oozing of hey, I'm gonna put him in his place for everybody, that whiner. It's not often, though, and that's not really the problem either. It's when things like that surface that they can be dealt with. It's all those cases where people just read and make up their minds behind my back.

Trust me, there are lots of things in my life that are precious to me and a lot of things that makes me happy. I'm highly optimistic, realistic and logical. I rarely give up. I'm stubborn as hell. I would like to think that I've got integrity. I don't take disrespectful shit from anyone even if that puts a job or something on the line. I'm unemployed, but have saved up some money for the occasion. I have little idea what to do with my immediate future, but I know that things tend to work out. Also, what I love and like in life tends to be different from many others. I don't care much for pubs. I don't care much for... taking a coffee and mingling with a group where half of them are strangers. I don't dance, physically. Needless to say, I don't like shoes and I love being barefoot. I was more open with the positive sides of life way back but it made me feel... exposed.

And some people have attacked that, more or less aggressively or passively. An example would be to write something like yeah, we heard you the first time as if he/she suddenly spoke for everyone. Apparently, stating time and time again that you really like to play guitar with your friends or travel to Japan every year and pour photo after photo into your stream, that's fine. You're supposed to like doing that, or whatever. Other stuff are just weird, aren't they. Well, my life's fine without people stepping on what's good, so I'd rather keep that to myself and my closest friends, thanks. The others can have the leftovers.

So, yeah. This post is about two phenomenon really. One being diminishing closeness with growing groups and the other being people not understanding that phenomenon.

Also, a friend said something smart the other day:

I'm getting jealous of those who haven't yet got themselves a facebook account.

I've been thinking lately that I wonder how it would feel to just delete one's account (as much as it's possible, at least). Somehow it feels like it's time to move on. Do I need facebook? Do I need to keep the contact with people like that? I will miss out on announcements made by friends who assume everyone's got facebook, of course... but that's about it. That, or I should just prune away at my contacts like a mad man. Get down to the core group of friends, but... even then, there'd be a lot of different circles that I would be willing to share different facets of myself with. So it feels like it's either all or nothing if it's to really matter.

I've always always preferred small groups to bigger ones. That's not because I dislike social contact - quite the opposite. I love hanging out with a small group of friends because you can get much deeper, much more personal. The less people there are, the less chance of the wrong person learing the wrong thing about you. It could be a friend of a co-worker who learns that you plan to quit your job, or a person secretly disliking you finding out that you have a fetish for goblin ears or something and can't wait to spread the delicious news. And you might not know who that is. Of course it matters what other people think, especially those that you take for friends. Strangers, not so much of course, but then again... who knows what strings they can pull in the wrong directions?

But look at me. Having to explain any of this really feels like explaining how to walk because it's such a basic thing. Trust and circles. Being you the worker and you the friend and you the parent. It's about filtering away parts of ourselves and sometimes adding a bit more depending on the people you interact with. Put all those groups in a single place... I mean, picture how you would need to shape yourself, what role to put yourself in, for that to work. Ask your friends, family, flirts, co-workers and your boss to come home for a party where you act as if everyone was the same kind of friend. It'd get totally fucked up, and if not, it'd get so extremely shallow and boring. That's what we get with people assuming we're in any shape or form resembling our real selves on Facebook. We're not. That would be absurd.

Now I'm starting to sound like that one guy at the Swedish Game Conference who said the same thing over and over for over an hour when he could've just summarized it in 5 minutes or less.

Swedish Game Conference 2011

2011-10-05T15:32:00.000-07:00

Attended the first day of SGC today and there were yawns. Good advice for publishers to people who want to pitch games for them, but a little much "we are awesome"-talk from them as well.

Interesting talks by the founder of Atari, and during the day he and others said some stuff that must be repeated over and over and over to people doing creative work again until the end of time. Namely, stay focused and try try try again. Fail but don't lose enthusiasm for it, try again. And again. Expect failure and have new ideas in the pipe. Try again.

I think it was Daniel Kaplan, maybe not, that said that perfection is a curse and that it keeps you away from the market. Not new but it needs to be repeated. Perfectionists seldom release their stuff onto the market. The others do release their stuff - some fail, some sell. And those that sell may grow because their author gets funds in the process and can let it grow.

Another important concept that was touched is that, more or less that, 1% of target audience liking (and paying) you is eternally better than 100% that doesn't because they can't. That was actually not at all the wording that was used today but it's more or less the same. Never releasing your product aiming for perfection is endlessly more worthless than a blemished product on the market. The latter actually has the potential to sell. And selling isn't just about money money money - it's about getting funds to survive and being able to keep doing what you like doing.

Talked to a bunch of really nice people today. My previous employer's new animator Cezar, talked and lunched with Daniel Kaplan of Mojang, chatted away with a mr. Wowbagger, a Jonas Berling of a smaller (yet epic-sounding) project. A Richard formerly at Immersive Learning but now employed by Pieces. Feels like I'm forgetting people, crap. Anyway. Everybody seems to know somebody in every company. Game development is a nice, small and intense arena.

I also got a very interesting talk with mr. Badylak and it seems as if there might be a few gold nuggets to get from Gothia Science Park of help to me afterall. This makes me slightly more confused, but still not.

Conclusion: A lot of work ---> A lot of potential

Now bed, tomorrow the second and last day of SGC. After that, probably Civilization 5. Good game. And as mr. Kaplan said today, which again is old wisdom but something that must be repeated, make a game that you will like. Make a game for you. I'd make complex turn-based strategy/tactics games.

Visor of Urgency

2011-10-03T05:31:00.000-07:00

So, things aren't as calm as they were back in July, but I knew this day would come. I just didn't know exactly how it would look.

My employment ended at the end of August as planned. It was supposed to start again the first of this month but hasn't and it's a bit of a mess. I don't know why decisions take so long and who I'm waiting for to make those decisions anymore. While I'd love for employment I must expect/assume some measure of upfuckery.

Some of the dust has settled however. As expected I see the situation more clearly now that I have the visor of urgency, so to speak. Now more than in a long time I must choose what to do with my situation. I've been thinking over the years about starting my own small company but have put it off. Now, if I get hired again by my previous employer I have to start a company, and if I don't get hired by them I also have to start a company to try to do my own thing.

I've been thinking back and forth about what to call my company as well and have gone through a whole lot of options. Mercetron was one of them, but Google is stupid and I don't want people to associate my company name with something so stupid as the thing Google "suggests" when searching for it. Also, it's hard to pronounce correctly for people and the spelling is even harder to try to explain. Tonight I got the idea of what I wanted to call my company and it's a rather unique name that's been with me for years. Also, it's kind of new in that I haven't used it much at all online. It won't be associated with any baggage I might have left behind unknowingly.

I won't say what the name is before I've gotten around to registering it though. That's just how I do things.

And what would I do with my company? Well, I am a game designer and a programmer. Or maybe rather programmer and game designer... I've always felt that my technical skill is programming, and that game design just comes natural somehow. I get ideas either myself or from other sources and I grind them up in my head to create something bigger... I iterate and iterate and iterate. I test scenarios, I continually ask whether a feature or mechanic serves a purpose or is superfluous. I remove stuff, I add stuff, I see the game grow and breathe and evolve into something as if it has always been what it will become. I love it.

I've been thinking table-top games. I know the language of the platform and the compiler is relatively easy to handle. Prototyping is fast as well. It's also extremely challenging.

Today I bought a pen for drawing. Not at all the one I set out to buy but after half an hour of testing more or less all the pens they had and weighed the usefulness factor of this and that one, I settled for a rather simple and thick black marker pen. I like thick and deliberate lines. I've never really been a fan of pencils. I'm thinking I really want a small Cintiq, but it's no way near cheap enough not to feel just stupid to buy. Maybe if I get something going in the future it'll be worth it - until then a pen will do.

This week, Swedish Game Conference in Skövde. I'm going but have no idea who's going to be there or what they're going to talk about. It'll probably be interesting anyhow so I'll see when I get there.

Harmony

2011-07-24T09:36:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've felt this calm and in harmony for a very very long time. I'm not entirely sure why that is either.

I'm sitting here with a fresh cup of coffee, I haven't bothered getting dressed since I woke up this morning and quite frankly - why bother. I've just had some leftovers for dinner. Before me I have a few documents open. They are finished but unpolished charts with rules, game phase descriptions and maps for a table-top game I've been working on for a while. I'm looking forward to playing more Sanctum later this evening with a couple of friends, and I'm actually looking forward for work tomorrow despite the mess and uncertainty of my current job.

My apartment is a mess. A large grimy electric barbecue machine needs to be cleaned. I need to shave and cut my hair. It'll come. It'll be done.

I feel... good. My being, right now, is good. I have a cool, cute mate who's constantly surprising me even today 10 years after I first met her. I have great friends that I can trust and who stand up for me when I need them.

Maybe this is the calm before a storm. I know I have a lot of things before me and I don't know a tenth of what they are. I'm hoping for the best, hoping for sanity, order and some form of maturity to prevail. I've learned a lot from the past years and I'm at the threshold of leaving that behind for good.

But right now, I'll just take sips of my coffee and rest my feet for a while.

Oh, there they are, asking if I want to play Sanctum.

Java

2011-06-21T01:36:00.000-07:00

No, not the coffee.

But seriously, what surfer would make that association before associating "Java" with the programming language?

I think I had a break when finding a book ("Head First") that explained the basics of Java but written for... well, me, it seemed. It wasn't "this is programming and this is a computer" nor was it "this is a superflux caputization megamax twix ultra mk 2 interface". It was "you're not stupid, this is how Java works". I'll plow on, but yesterday I wrote my first snipped of working code on an Eee PC and ran it.

Java uses a main(). When was the last time I didn't work with an fully event based language? Like early 2000. How I have missed having the simple control of a main function that dispatches everything and that lets me decide the order in which to do everything. Not events, floating fuzzily in space until fired.

For me, that extra level of control feels delicious. It's hard to have a clear picture of everything and the problem a program is solving when huge parts of the execution of the program just lingers in some black unknown space. That's a little how fully event based stuff feels like. I like to say "yes, you have a message for me, good, stand over there until I'm ready for it" instead of "you have a message for me, I'll take care of that maybe now or maybe after I've done that other thing or maybe in the middle I don't know".

It's probably not that confusing for those that like it but that's the jist of it for me. And I really don't have anything against events but I prefer to use my own callbacks and stuff as much as possible. It just feels less uncontrolled, more structured. For example, take Unity, where there's a "core" somewhere hidden and everything runs through events. It works well but... I don't know, it feels flimsy.

Well, this was just a start. I'm glad though that I've seemed to pass my traditional first "learn new language barrier". I never know when or how to pass it usually.

Motivation

2011-04-18T11:07:00.000-07:00

Great TED Talk about motivation and how carrots & sticks as a means to motivate has been proven ineffective and in some cases even motivationally destructive. Why do I post this? Partly because I love this kind of psychology but mostly because it talks about a subject I've been fighting with for a long time: Motivation

For years, I've been trying to figure out exactly what makes me motivated. What makes me want to work and not go home from office. I've had different theories which seemed so-so, such as interface design, game design, and lately I thought it might even be game editing tool design. For some reason, what I usually finish when it comes to private projects are either level editors or menu systems or things like that. Tools, not an end product.

Quite recently, I think I found what the common denominator was in all this. I love improving things. When I'm faced with a task I usually start thinking of how to make that task easier, how to improve the workflow, to get past that boring part of the work as quickly and as effectively as possible. One good example is when I worked at Lockpick Entertainment. We had these huge excel-documents with miles and miles of items and abilities and units for this huge MMO real-time strategy game. One day, I was given the task to transfer these from the excel documents to the actual game database. The way this was done at the company before was to go to a certain website with your browser, click "add item" and then, field by field (usually around 30 or so fields), copy and paste all the stats cell by cell into the site. Then you pressed done, and you were done with one of the often hundreds of items... of one excel document.

No, I thought. There had to be another way to do this, so I did some digging and came up with the solution: I'll make a visual basic script for each excel document which goes through the list and parses it to an XML-file. At the other end, one of our programmers took a few hours to make an importer for it. The exporter took a week or two to make, the importer a day or so, and in the end each excel-document had a large button "Export to XML". You clicked it, all data was exported into XML, and with a single copy-paste into the importer website and a "Ok", weeks of work could be done in 10 seconds.

This was during a beta of the game which meant that these lists would be updated at least once every day. Using the old way, this would simply be impossible, or soul-destroying for the one who had to do it. Regardless of how impossible it would have been however, that's how my brain works. It loves solving problems, but it hates droning. When I started working at Lockpick I had tons of fun, and I was praised for the work I did. Interface design, the exporters, story writing, forum management.

However, my last time at Lockpick was the complete opposite. I had to sit with an (inferior and oh my gods so improvable) mission editor and make as many strategy game "grind" missions as I could as fast as I could. We are talking creating missions using a website, where your only view of the map was - and I'm not kidding - a 128x128 thumbnail of the height map. The units were red dots. It was an area smaller than your photo on your Facebook page.

That was the most boring and soul crunching job I've ever done, I think. Partly, it was so clear to not just me but the rest of the team that the editor had to be replaced with something... functional. And also, I was producing something that I simply didn't believe in. My boss did, and that was that. I was spending days to create a mission (in which there couldn't be much variety due to our restrictions) that a player would go through in 2-3 tries. Oh there were so many things wrong with the whole concept, but I was a grunt, and I was put to do a grunt's work in the end.

(Speaking of which; we had a "manual" for that editor which I took the liberty to improve. We went from a whopping worthless 4 pages to 22 pages and those were 99% explaining every single control in the editor window from top to bottom. I liked doing it because it felt like it actually made a difference. Players and other workers would some day use that tool and would need a pedagogical manual to understand it.)

Back to the subject... I'm a problem identifier and a problem solver, I guess you could say. I'm not just a game designer, I'm not a hardcore programmer. I'm not a great artist. I'm not super good at any one thing. I'm rather all-round. Not in a way that I don't like doing anything so let me bring you coffee; no, but in a way that I like doing a little bit of everything and see everything come together. I love systems, how something on one end affects something on the other end. I like to "tie the bag together" as someone once put it.

And I love not just game design, but I'm fascinated by the business side of it too. I strongly believe in experimenting with concepts of free/pay which doesn't involve the selling of a billion hats. (And I strongly oppose the concept of being able to buy yourself past progress where progression is the meat of the game. I believe in paying for the opportunity to progress. In a way, think an expansion to World of Warcraft as opposed to being able to buy yourself to top level and the best gear. Yet, some developers and publishers really think it's a good idea. Maybe it is in some cases if you want to kill off your own games and sell new ones instead, but not from a game developer's point of view - you put love into creating a game that players get to pay to not play.)

This was kind of a rant.

Uhm. I think I'm going to go play some...thing.

Squandered Good Intent and Charity

2011-03-16T04:33:00.000-07:00

So today I threw some money in the direction of the Red Cross (in Sweden) to show some support for the people in Japan. Such a small country with so many people, and they get hit not only with a tsunami but nuclear reactor meltdown in the midst of it which some say is as bad as the Tjernobyl incident.

Now, these are not the only ones in the world right now needing help. Let's not forget the unrest down south where dictators send in air strikes on his own people for protesting against him. While monetary support for these is probably good, one other good way of helping is actually awareness. Exposure. The media has turned its eyes towards Japan and their crisis, forgetting for a moment places like Libya which in turn makes it easier for their president to strike without as much media attention. Not that his actions aren't already bad enough.

Anyhow, I have seen a "campaign" a few days now called "Pray for Japan". It leads to a site (twibbon) which says something like "Japan needs our support so lets pray for them". Pray? Pray? How about actually helping? How about at least inform viewers in how to help? Spreading that kind of information?

So today I sent a donation. I certainly haven't got a solid economy at the moment, but I felt that in the midst of good intentions getting squandered on "praying", at least I could do the right thing.

And yeah, I know, that's very un-Swedish of me to say. You should just get back to your place in line, don't make a sound, don't sound like you're better than anything or anybody else, and be a good citizen (and today, ironically, the Swedish government will vote about the "data retention directive" - a law that ultimately allows them to track our every step, when and with whom we communicate with).

For information on how to actually help the people in Japan (or for example Libya) you can go to Red Cross (Sweden) or Red Cross (America). Remember though, even if you can't help directly, you can always indirectly help by informing others. It's definitely worth more than a million prayers...

When do you become non-Indie?

2011-01-13T04:00:00.000-08:00

I'm getting more and more annoyed at people on the internet. Yeah, I know, how can that possibly be? Unusual stuff!

Shortly put; it's the label "Indie". I love that label, and for me, that has always had a rather simple definition. Indie means independent. In music and movie business, it means that the creators are independent from any record labels or publishers that usually own part or the whole of the artist or production team. They stand on their own legs and handle most things themselves that a publisher usually would, and must deal with the expenses themselves, and all that.

For me, it has always been obvious and natural to assume that indie, when it comes to game development, means the exact same thing.

The game industry is in some ways very similar to that of music and movies. The usual scenario is that we have a publisher that sits on a lot of money, and give you (the creator) some of that money in order to produce something that the publisher can publish. They invest money in you so that you can create something that will earn them the invested money and a profit.

If you don't have a publisher or similar more external investor or owner, no middle-men that control your creative process so to speak, and fund everything yourself using money coming directly from your own (personal or company's) pocket or directly from sales, and make all your own decisions being your own top dog, then you are indie. You are independent.

Yet for some reason, people online tend to argue that selling a lot of copies of a game makes you less indie. Or, forming a company makes you not indie. The company is still independent.

Example: Dice (the creators of Battlefield and Mirror's Edge among other games) are not independent as they depend on Electronic Arts (their owners). Mojang (the creators of Minecraft) started out as one guy making a game and ended up in a small company which is still independent as they are their own owners.

I hate when good and descriptive labels gets watered down.

Low speaker volume on HTC Desire HD

2010-12-15T03:53:00.000-08:00

I just recently got a severely annoying problem with my week-old HTC Desire HD. First things first; I love this machine. Then again, it's my first smartphone and my previous phone was a LG Shine following my Motorola Razr. So, regardless of the smartphone I bought I would take one huge step. Then again, I naturally tried a few ones out before settling. I was close to getting the cheaper Desire (without "HD") but when I got to the point of comparing the screens side-by-side, the choice was clear for me. Even though it's the same technology on paper on both screens, the Desire HD was just... crisp. Almost as crisp as iPhone 4. The ordinary Desire had this very visible "pixel grid" - the borders of the pixels were too visible for me.

HTC Desire HD

Anyway, the problem was that suddenly after a week's use the volume on the speaker went down, a lot. Games were hardly audible at all, music and most of all ringtones and notification sounds could only be heard if you were in a otherwise silent room. I tried all sorts of settings, but all volume sliders were at max. I tried various volume changing apps, but they all stated the same - the volume was at max.

So clueless, I went to The Phonehouse (Skövde) to ask for help. They looked at it, and even called HTC to see if there were more with the same problem. Some had complained about overall low volume; and yes, the speaker volume was kind of low (not at all as loud as for example iPhone 4) from the start but you could easily hear your ringtones and the like. They had no other solution than to have me send in the phone for checkups and possibly repairs. In the store they kind of concluded that it probably was a hardware issue, since sound was good with headphones plugged in but not when using the speakers.

However, as a "last resort" before sending it in, they asked if I could try factory resetting it. I thought that it couldn't hurt but I had no hopes of it actually working. But, to my surprise, it did work. So, the problem wasn't hardware based.

I installed all my usual apps again and everything went fine. I thought that maybe I had installed some app that I had forgotten about that somehow bugged out the volume for me before the reset. Then this morning after my walk to work it happened again. Ringtones low and music (through the speaker) was barely audible.

What the frak? So I retraced my steps. What had I done between my apartment and work? I had... surfed a little, checked twitter, and been listening to the FM Radio (using the built-in app). When I arrived at work, I disconnected my headphones, picked up my phone and did the usual stuff and that's when I realized the volume was out of whack.

Then it hit me; the built-in radio app has a power button. You can, for some reason, only click it (to exit the app) when the headphones are plugged in. When they're disconnected the app tells you to plug them back in as it uses them as an antenna. I didn't think much of it at first and just clicked "home" to "close" the radio but apparently the radio was still there, in the background... So, to try out my theory that maybe you HAVE to close the radio using its own power button, I plugged in my headphones and clicked the power button, and when the app was finally closed I disconnected my headphones again.

Built-in FM Radio app

Voila. All volume levels back to normal. The FM Radio app had altered the volume levels behind the scenes somehow and didn't change them back until it was closed the "proper" way.

So, a TLDR...

Problem:
Extremely low music, ringtone and notification volume on my HTC Desire HD's speaker.

My solution:
When using the built-in FM Radio app, use its own "power" button to close the radio BEFORE disconnecting my headphones.

EDIT: I tried to recreate the problem after I wrote this post. I instantly succeeded in recreating the problem, but not the above-mentioned solution. Instead, this time I fixed it by setting it to speaker mode before (press "menu" and then "speakers") closing the "FM Radio" app and disconnecting my headphones. I'm certain that this app is the problem (for me anyway). So for me, and I recommend this for anybody else with the same problem, get another app for playing FM Radio until this issue is fixed!

Do take a look in the comments section below for more tips if my solution didn't work for you!

I'm Sick

2010-11-20T20:43:00.000-08:00

I'm sick. Have had several things going on lately. A headache that explodes whenever I do something slightly physically demanding and most of all when I do intimate things, simply put. Also, I have a cold and a fever, but on top of that I have a cough. A tickling dry sensation in my throat that gets worse by coughing. It doesn't hurt, it's just there, making me cough and cough. Especially, of course, during the night and when I lie down.

This night I had to go throw up just because I coughed so much. I didn't feel sick or anything, I just coughed so much my body probably thought there was something stuck in my throat. Fun. After that, it kept itching. I've even popped some pills; one especially that's supposed to affect the coughing center of the brain. It doesn't really work.

So, instead of laying in the bed I have to sit up and sleep. I've slept some 3 hours so far. It reminds me of when I had this a few years back. I coughed in my sleep so much that my throat cramped, and I couldn't breathe. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night, realizing you can't get any oxygen at all, then having to climb over a partner and down the bed ladder, and naked running through the student corridor onto the balcony where you try to cough and cough and cough but without getting any air for a minute (which felt like an eternity) all the while the body tries to evacuate whatever might be stuck in the throat. No fun.

Needless to say, I'm scared of sleeping when I am like this. Though, as it looks now it's impossible to sleep when I cough. Except when I sit up. For some reason it doesn't itch as much - but it does itch.

An interesting part of this is that my brain seems to want to explain what's going on in the most bizarre ways. Yesterday I had been at a friend's place watching him play Silent Hill 3. When I tried to sleep, my brain wanted to somehow connect my inability to sleep with me playing Silent Hill 3 where I was trying to find the best way out of a maze while being chased by pyramid head. It wasn't even a nightmare. I remember waking up a few times, and then the "final" time I shook my head and told myself "hey, come on, I'm awake - the whole Silent Hill thing is just bullshit, it's not real, what I should focus on is to sleep comfortably".

This night, it's the same thing. Whenever I try to sleep, trying to find some new position where I perhaps don't cough as much, my brain tries to connect that with something else.

Like, when I try to find a good position, I'm helping the characters in the series Lost to set up various perimiters and defenses in the jungle. When I finally shook that out of my head, it switched to trying to clean the backs of books. And then boxes. And letting different body parts sleep. And even though I'm fully aware that it's really stupid, my brain falls back onto it again and again. I just can't think to myself that "I'm now going to try to sleep" - the mission is much deeper than that.

I suppose it's the fever playing tricks on me, and maybe it's a nice way to put my mind on something else for a while.

I hope this'll pass soon. I can take an exploding headache and a fever and a running nose, but this itching throat... it's just too much.

Where I got all this from? I don't know, but one should remember that my partner was sick (he's working with teenagers...) and I have a job and I go to school. In school, I always try to sit as far up in the front as I can which means that any coughing and sneezing from the others in the classroom will hit me. Having the science of viruses and stuff in mind, I don't currently dress too lightly to affect my immune system (in contrary to popular superstition). I also know that when I dress more heavily it's more difficult to move and I lose my breath more easily leading to me breathing with my mouth (to "catch up") instead of my nose which more or less means no air filtering. Knowing that viruses usually enter through the nose and mouth, and knowing my own body heat make no difference in the virus' cold-induced increased capacity to pass my defenses, the way I dress really makes no difference. Spare me the theories that build upon the old and incorrect name "to catch a cold" please.

I'll try to sleep again. I wish I had some nice Nyponsoppa.

The Future of My Life

2010-11-15T16:13:00.000-08:00

It feels, kind of, like I'm on a narrow bridge right now. In front of me lies the future of my life that I want, the one that I've been building up to for many years - from the day I started the Swedish equivalence to upper high school. Below lies another life. Not one that I've been building up to, or dreaming about. Maybe one that'll suffice, or maybe not at all. I have no idea what's below me at this point. It could as well end up with me on the street. Or, with any other job just to get by. Or, with me being forced to move somewhere to work.

In front of me lies a future where I control my own life, do my own thing, do what I like to do. In front of me lies what I have behind me, in a way. Today, I finally got an old game of mine to work. I made it 12 years ago in a couple of weeks, sprites and game play and programming and all. It was in C++ and for DOS, writing directly to the video memory. It was art. It was the ugliest code in the world probably, as it was my first attempt at C++, and what was supposed to be pure and clean object-oriented programming it turned into a tangled octopus of cross-referencing code. But it worked. The graphics worked. The loader worked. The mechanics did exactly what they were supposed to do. There was even a level editor, and the graphics editor wasn't just any old editor, it was a program I myself had made in QBasic years back. A program that allowed me to pixelate my own sprites, rotate them, perform smoothing filters on them, load external palettes. It even had a simple RLE compression going on.

The last years I've been taught to plan, to design. To move from producing games into planning for them. To always stand on the threshold to making things, but never to cross it. I'm not a graphical artist. I'm not a programmer. Not officially, not on paper. I'm a game designer. I'm supposed to be done with my job before anything gets made - the ideal scenario of a dream world where I would go on to design the next project as the previous design was implemented by programmers and artists. Crap, really. I don't have much training of it in the last few years, except for Game Maker but that is not like I was before. Even in Game Maker, I went from bypassing the build-in systems for drawing graphics more or less, the levels (rooms) as well, and made my own layers and handler objects that took care of things the way I wanted them to. Today, I mostly use what's pre-built. I want to make things fast. I'm impatient. What once was a challenge now becomes an obstacle. Too many obstacles and I lose motivation. I've been trained to plan and to see the game as a whole, which is good, but when I then try to make the game myself I get impatient because of the amount of work before I can see the "whole".

I'm impatient for many reasons. It's hard to know what developer platform to choose, nowadays. It's easier with Unity though, since it's a powerful tool that's free for indies. But again, there are choices. There's not just one scripting language in it, it's three. And suddently, I can't just make graphics as easily. Should it be 3D? Well, then I need a 3D modeller. There are plenty, and the one I got taught using in school is, naturally, the most expensive one. And so on. What was once relatively simple (and difficult at the same time) has shifted to be complex (and easy). It's ironic; to do today what I wanted to do back when I was young can be done with a few clicks. To do today what I could quickly and easily do back then, like art and all those things, is a science in itself.

A part of me wouldn't want to change a thing with my studies at the University of Skövde. Well, maybe, it would have been nice to have graduated back when I was supposed to instead of this year. But the subject of game design was really interesting. I know a lot of stuff, I understand games, and I probably "get it" more than I realize. But, somehow I regret not taking the "programming" program instead. To be fair to myself, the program I choose was called "design and programming" back then, even though there wasn't much programming to talk about in it - only a beginners course in C++ using some version of SDL. I think it was in the first grade too, so I lost the programming-steam a little the following years.

I love games, and I love programming. Sometimes, when I rarely get down to coding, I realize just how much I love it. To solve the puzzles, to come up with, and implement, clever solutions and finally seeing all the cogs turn and work together as a whole. When things are as easy as they are, with Unity and similar engines, a part of that "clever solutions" thing disappears. A part of what drives me to code dies, and with that a part of the motivation to complete (or even start) a project.

Until recently I've been working on a project (as a hired programmer) where I would make an e-learning application in Flash (Action Script 3). While the project started out fine, and then surely and steadily drifted deeper into crap (due to month after month of delays of resources I had to have in order to develop and test the software, and then getting most of the blame from ONE side of my employers and understanding from the OTHER side of my employers)... well, apart from the crap, and apart from Flash being a b-tch to me much of the time, it was quite fun. I got to do a lot of "clever solutions" due to the flying fridge incompetence of AS3 and Flash. And no, I'm not saying I wasn't happy when the project finally ended.

I wish I had a more advanced, deep, understanding of programming. I felt I got lost on the way somewhere. Maybe even as early as when DOS died and windows was the only thing. I remember trying to code something, and instead of having a few lines of code to set the "screen mode" and set a pointer to the video memory, I instead had to do all kinds of things with a heap load of lines of code, just to make a little visible window. And when things grow in complexity, I know there must be variants of doing it, and with that and not being able to understand each and every line of code I write, I stop. I want to understand - that is how I work.

Maybe Unity could be a way to fool my brain however. The complex things are taken care of for me. When I code, I don't see anything other than the things I want to do - there is no initiation, no memory handling, nothing of that sort - at least not visible to me. So, there are no lines of code for me not to understand. However, the whole engine still feels like a huge black box that I don't understand. I know that it works, but I don't know exactly how, and personally I can't change any of it either - I just need to use it as it is.

But maybe that's the thing - I can't go back to the simplicity of DOS anymore. It's impossible. There is no market for DOS games. There haven't really been a market for them for over a decade. Today, you have to build your game upon pre-built libraries that take care of the complex things for you and speed things along. I suppose, however, that there's still a lot of room for those clever solutions... I suppose I just haven't got that far with a personal project for quite some time to know how that would look today.

I've digressed.

I'm uneasy. Stressed. Slightly lost. I'm at the end of a chapter, and I know that my actions here will determine what the next chapter will be and there is no turning back. At least, there is no climbing back onto the narrow bridge once I've fallen off. And I know that even if I surpass all my expectations of myself and deliver, I might still fail. I might still fall off. My future depends on hard work and luck. I don't really like that combination. Maybe luck - being able to grab the attention and interest of potential customers - can be transformed into some form of diligence; some actual performance that I can control.

I'm closing in on 30. Not there quite yet, I've still got two and a half years to go more or less. And I'm not expecting my life to follow some socially and externally defined ideal or anything, but I want to get on top of things. I want a respectful income. I want to have friends over for dinner and not having to cry about the expenses. A bit of normal luxury, being able to travel, try new things out and afford to take chances. Maybe get a dog, even. Heck, some day I would probably not mind getting a kid of my own. I want to have a nice savings account, a steady income, and... well, simply put, to be on top of things.

I'm holding a bag of dreams and the only clear vision of a potential future in my hands, and there is no longer a safety net to catch me. Better not slip up.

I feel like a thief...

2010-11-11T02:45:00.000-08:00

...because I only paid 10€ for Metro 2033 during a sale on Steam. I thought this game would sortofkindof be mediocre in all aspects but...

Fudge. I love this game. I find myself wanting to play Metro 2033 every day; just to go into the sort of cozy-homey yet scary-as-frap tunnels. I love the monster design, I love all the "ambient" dialogue, the short and long events that trigger here and there. I feel never really sure what will happen, even though it's a rather straight-forward shooter.

I keep thinking to myself that Metro 2033 is like Half-Life in Russia. But at the same time, it feels like it's one of a kind. The lighting, animation, varying atmosphere, tension... And the details such as the breathing, the condensation on the visor as the filter gets bad, having to pump up the battery for the light and nightvision (and in my case - the pressure for my weapon).

You are more than often not alone.

I found a weapon rather early on that fires steel balls. You have to reload the weapon as usual AND pump up a pressure in order for the gun to do any damage. One shot is usually enough to take down a human and lesser monster alike even without headshots sometimes. I just can't swap it to anything else ^^ But, when there are lots of enemies coming at me... reloading AND pumping pressure is one freaky scary experience.

I haven't finished it yet, but I'm assuming I'm getting close. It's, for me, one long game. Perfect for an hour or two in the evening, and it has lasted me 9 hours so far the way I've played it.

It feels like a perfectly balanced experience, for me. Not too little of anything, and they are not afraid of having plenty of living and talking humans that aren't firing at you. It's not too hard and it's not too easy, so it's always that tension - will I make it? Will I run fast enough? Will they catch up with me? Will my ammo be sufficient? Will I be able to reload until the next attack? What will happen next? What enemies will I encounter? Will I have enough filters? Will it be scary ♥♥♥♥ or will I have the upper hand and hunt from the shadows? Will I be on foot or in some vehicle? Will I...

Watched by many green eyes...

I love First Person Shooters, and I love how not all games today need to focus on multiplayer. I love multiplayer, but sometimes I want a well-directed epic experience to consume (and be consumed by) all on my own. Immersion and story usually flies right out the window the moment multiplayer becomes the focus.

Metro 2033 is a bit different. It was a bit strange getting used to the controls and field-of-view (even though the controls are, like, really standard ironically), but as I kept playing I got used to it. I sort of "got it". You're a human trying to survive in narrow tunnels from enemies that are far superior in almost every way - except you can take them out from a distance.

Peeking out into the blinding light of a frozen Moscow.

Ah, well, I shall stop ranting.

But again - great game. It's like going off-road, taking a back-alley, leaving the shallow mainstream - only to find a fresh long vibrant alley of substance. And I get to play a Russian. How absolutely refreshing is that.

EDIT: I finished it! It lasted me 11 hours, and got even more epic as the end drew nearer. Beautiful game with, for me, lots of replay value. The dark tunnels of Moscow's metro is strangely beckoning.

Love

2010-10-24T04:43:00.000-07:00

<3 a weekend when I can actually relax

<3 the grocery shopping with a friend yesterday, short sleeved and barefoot in 4°C rain

<3 the party at a friend's place yesterday, with tacos, lots of talk and games

<3 bare feet, deeply and sincerely

<3 the autumn and the snow

<3 simple things in life

<3 the now

<3 that one of the most horrible projects at work is soon to end

<3 the future, slowly drifting closer, with a place to finally call my own

<3 dreaming of having a canine friend some day, when time/money/space allows

<3 cool friends that constantly remind me of how awesome humans can be

<3 that it's Sunday and still just time to relax

<3 internet, and all the chill out entertainment and music it provides so easily

<3 my "new" mobile phone that does what it should and looks quite nice

<3 my computer with two monitors that let me do my things my way

<3 all the great artists who draw things that light up my day

<3 my couch, my TV and my game consoles

<3 my plushies

<3 coffee and ice cold water

<3 trying new things and finding out what works for me

<3 the look in the eyes of those who believed theirs was the only way

<3 a confident and secure but playful and curious attitude in others

<3 good communication and sincerity

<3 to say what's on one's mind, to vent both frustrations and happiness

<3 being me, friends being them, and none of us trying to change that

<3 how life can be good

Business Planning Homework

2010-10-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

I'm currently doing some homework for a course I'm attending in Business Planning. The homework assignment is to write a sort of business plan draft, with a believable budget. It's kind of tricky, and I must admit that I've sort of been a bit afraid of this part for some time, but now when I sit down with it I find it to be... kind of fun!

What product do you plan to produce? What market do you want to penetrate? Who are your customers? What benefit does your product offer customers? Why would this product sell? What competition is there?

...and so on. Short questions that sort of explode into long answers. What competition? Well, it depends on platform and what customer group. I'll have to fight with one bunch of companies for one type of customers, and another bunch of companies for the other type of customers, and so on.

I won't go into details of what I'm writing here, however, as I'm partly playing with actual business ideas.

Now, I'll dig into the budget part. Probably difficult as holy hell.

EDIT: I made some error in my liquidity calculations (prediction) that seemed to propagate to the balance calculations in some way, but only in the 3rd and 4th year for some reason. It was difficult, but... fun! It was the final step to see exactly how the business model would work if it worked as intended! And to see what margins are there; for example how many copies of a game you'd have to sell for the company to survive with reasonable wages. The numbers are quite astronomical for a simple guy like me, but at the same time not when you see them churn around in your business plan.

Halo, or Back to the Sofa

2010-10-17T17:02:00.000-07:00

There's something special with finding a game, for a video console, that really pulls me in. In this case, it was Halo Reach. In fact, it began with me and a friend playing through Halo ODST at my place. It was a mediocre experience, at first, but it planted a seed in me. I had forgotten the fun and simplicity of Halo. Probably because the second and third installment was sort of a disappointment and added unnecessary layers of complexity, like dual-wielding and a truckload of utility items, not to mention... was it 4 different grenades, instead of the original 2?

What I loved with Halo (1) was the genius simplicity of the game play. That, and of course the rather awe-inspiring story and sci-fi setting. How a few simple building blocks that made the game mechanics up was rearranged every 30 seconds or so to provide interesting variation. You and some enemies had shields, some didn't. There were two different types of weapons, those that fired plasma and those that fired physical bullets. Plasma weapons were better at chewing through shields, bullets better at doing damage to unshielded foes. You could only hold two different weapons, and was constantly swapping up new guns from fallen foes, constantly changing your arsenal, not always allowing you to go with your favorite setup. There were also 2 different types of grenades; standard human produced grenades and plasma "sticky" grenades (which stuck to enemies if you hit them with it). A few memorable and easy-to-control vehicles, both human and alien ones.

And one of the trademarks of Halo; the recharging shield. Instead of having a standard health bar that could only be replenished using health kits, you had a shield bar that would regenerate to full capacity - if you could stay out of harms way enough time. This led to a constant pace; fight, cover, fight, cover. There was a point to take cover more than to just hide and scream; you regained lost strength. Simple yet an effective way to keep the pace up.

Enemies would be of varying difficulty, some enemies would charge at you, some would stay further away, and they were all wielding one of the various weapons in the game. One small grunt could pose almost no threat in one encounter, while another grunt would eat up your shield with one shot from a plasma pistol the next encounter. Some of the small enemies would run screaming if a superior to them was killed nearby, some would relentlessly go for you. Some enemies could not be taken on head-on, and you needed to get in behind them or get them to lower their shields, or eat through them, or lob a grenade at them hoping they'd roll for cover and let you get a few shots at them before they raised their shields again.

Fun and interesting enemies, the locales and level design make a world of difference in every encounter, clear major goals ahead making you want to keep going. The game repeats itself over and over again; I remember someone saying that Halo was like the same 30 seconds repeating for hours, and yes, that is probably spot on. But, considering the setups of the enemy squads are slightly different each time, whether it's due to their number, what types of enemies they are, what weapons they have, their aggressiveness, and considering your weapon load-out will vary after each encounter, and considering the battlefield looks a bit different every time, every encounter is truly unique. Even the Library level (those who have played it either hate it or hate it - personally I hate it but love it as well) is repetitive but always changing.

Even the same encounter will probably play out differently each time you play it. Take out the big one first, the small will perhaps run screaming for a while making them easy targets. Failing to take out the big one, and the small starts lobbing grenades, that eat your shields forcing you to hide or run yourself. Last time you played, you had a magnum with plenty of clips. This time, you might have used up your bullets in an earlier encounter and had to pick up a plasma pistol instead. Each unique weapon dictates how you can handle the situation at hand, and the situation at hand. I could go on explaining this for ages, but simply put; it was pure fun, alone or cooperatively.

Halo 2 added complexity and better graphics, but I suppose that forced them to make smaller maps, because I often felt cramped not to mention lost. Halo 3 was beautiful, but had way too many items and gadgets and dual-wielding weapons. Halo ODST had taken a step back towards simplicity; gone were tons of gadgets and dual-wielding, but there were still 4 different grenades.

Strangely, after having played ODST, I felt a growing need for more Halo. It started to come back to me, what I had felt with the first game. So, me and 3 friends decided to get Halo Reach, the latest Halo game, and play it through this weekend. Apart from being a bit crowded to play 4 spartans at the same time, it worked pretty well and was really a lot of fun. We played through it on Heroic (the 3rd of 4 difficulty levels) which took some time getting used to. The thing is, Heroic is hard. Really hard. And playing 4 players scales up the difficulty even more to match, so if you think you'll go in rambo style... well, luckily you will respawn a few seconds later near a friend so you can go look for the smudge that once was your body and try to recover your weapons.

And crap. Halo Reach is beautiful. From the scenery to the details of the spartans and enemies and weapons. Like, for example, some grunts have different machine parts on their backs. Probably mostly for decoration or to show their "rank", but some have some sort of gas tanks on their backs as well that when shot starts spraying gas wildly, making the grunt's body spin away like a balloon. Pieces of armor will fall off of elites and hunters, the different energy weapons emit pretty light of varying colors that gets reflected in the ground.

Also, Reach goes back to the first installment of simplicity; now there are only 2 grenade types again, and you cannot dual-wield. However, you can choose different "special abilities". This is an ability that will charge up once used, and will provide things like running speed, extra shields or the ability to fly. Simple, and all of the abilities have their use.

We also played a lot of Firefight, which is a mode where you hold out on a small map while wave after wave of Covenant come with dropships and try to kill you. You must survive 5 waves and your team shares a total of 10 lives I think. When all lives are lost, you cannot respawn, and if all players die then, it's game over. If you do survive however, you're awesome and everyone loves you. This mode actually came in ODST and was probably fun there as well. Again, the game is simple but really broad. You can have your playstyle and set of favorite weapons for different situations and be really quite unique.

One really memorable thing that happened last night was we were on the last wave of Firefight. There were two tanks (Wraiths?) left and a bunch of brutes, one wielding a gravity hammer (get too close and smudge) as well as some elites and grunts. As I run down a slope towards a tank firing at me with both its main cannon and the anti-personnel turret at the top, I hear the announcer say "last man standing". Crap, the team had run out of lives and I was the only one left. I jump up in the air with my jump jets, dodging the tank's fire, while firing all I got down at the turret operator. I got him, then slammed the tank to bits with my fists, before taking off again. The following minutes was like a dance, with me jumping, running, flying, dodging, sniping grunts, swapping weapons, taking out shields, showering brutes with bullets while dodging their concussion weapons, dodging hammers, finishing monsters with melee, and taking out another tank, and finally completing the wave.

It was pure adrenaline and I haven't had as much fun in a loooooong time. And the best of all? The game recorded everything, so I can show it off whenever I like ^^ ... Halo is a game of skill. You move a lot, and most weapons fire projectiles that you can dodge. It also makes the game less about good aim and more about trying to outsmart your opponent, while of course being able to aim well helps a lot. I have rediscovered my love to these games. You play as a hero, you feel like a hero, but you meet resistance that really wants you dead. It's like an old arcade game but in modern clothes.

And, it's not about terrorists. Or world war 2. Seriously. But it seems that for every time someone says "enough with the ww2/terrorist crap already" there is someone out there thinking "oh you know what would be great? ANOTHER ww2/terrorist game!". You are boring. You are oh, so boring. Boring. No, you probably won't portray it in a "special" way. It's boring. And you know what? It'll always be boring. And grey. I bought an expensive computer (and game consoles) with graphics cards that can handle color. You know, red and yellow and blue and green, those kind of things. You might have heard about them. And for everyone saying "please give us color" there's someone out there thinking "oh you know what would be great? Instead of green, we'll pull the saturation all the way down to 1% and it'll be like... you know, realistic! Because trees are grey, right?" ... I visited a friend today and he had paused a replay of his fight against a hunter in ODST on Legendary difficulty (4th difficulty level) which pretty much shows that Halo is not like any other mainstream shooter. On screen we had a blue tint, an orange truck on a street, one red energy bullet lighting up one part of the screen, and a huge ray of green death coming in from the left. That's more colors than you could find in Gears of War 1 and 2 combined!

*rant rant*

(By the way, I must admit I really liked Gears of War in cooperative mode, but it's just really grey and sadly other developers have started to think that you have to be grey in order to sell...)

I love the fact that I'm sitting in my sofa again, just playing. It's so much different from playing on the computer (which I love - don't get me wrong). In the sofa I only have the game and me. No mail, no Skype, no programs that wants to update, no facebook. Great for escapism, and I need that more and more these days.

Unity 3 is Out

2010-09-28T04:37:00.000-07:00

As I was playing a little with Unity 2.6 yesterday I stumbled onto their site and noticed that Unity 3 had just been released! I downloaded it and tried to authenticate the free version but the servers seemed to have become completely overworked. A friendly support mail correspondence confirmed this and today I got my free license authorized. Nothing new regarding auto-complete in their own editor, at least not in java script, yet. I suppose it's a good idea to start working with java script to learn the basics and then move to C# and use Visual Express or something to do the coding which has lovely auto-completion and work extremely well next to Unity.

Bought new darker freezedried coffee, sort of interesting. What I don't like with the darker blends is that it sort of smells a little like cigarette ash in ordinary coffee. Tastes a lot better that it smells though.

Just waved my friend off at the train station. She didn't find any apartments, but she's just started looking on the other hand. Now I'm going to launch myself onto the couch and read up on the business planning course, I believe I'm a little bit behind on the literature. I never liked reading books... except reading all the Harry Potter books on my Nintendo DS (with an R4 chip) the other year. Yeah. I'm kind of proud of that accomplishment.

Need My Space

2010-09-25T09:50:00.000-07:00

Closing the door, leaning backwards in my chair, music in the speakers surrounding me, a small whiteboard at my side, computer humming, feet up towards the wall like in the old days when I lived with my parents in a very small room. A lamp. Maybe a small TV. Some pictures on the walls. Some books on programming and game development in a pile. Knowing that the only one there is me.

Maybe sing or hum or whistle along to some songs playing on the speakers. Thinking things out loud just to hear the ideas and reasoning, to easier reflect on them as they leave my head and then come back again. Knowing that the only one to hear any of it is me.

Only having to bother about when I feel hungry or sleepy, eating whatever I want whenever I need it. Organizing things my way, clearing my head of everything else at the very moment the door closes. Being able to focus on the present or to dream away, getting ideas like before, and not only when I sit under the shower. Being able to work with my job or my own projects, closing out everything if I want to, knowing that when I log out of messengers and the like the only line to me is my mobile phone which people seldom call to unless it's something important.

I really need to live alone. I can't reach my full potential otherwise. I miss the days when I had an idea and then sat down and gave it a decent shot. Maybe I never finished it, but I got far enough to get something out of it. Today, I can't dive that deeply, I can't get into it as much, because I always have someone else to think about. Someone else to relate to, to make sure I time everything with like eating and sleeping and watching TV. Someone that wouldn't like to listen to my music, someone that I wouldn't want to hear my thoughts as I speak them to myself, someone that does something distracting or watches shows on TV when I want to focus, someone that doesn't sit and play games when I'm irritated by some difficult job task that I simply must finish before tomorrow.

It's enough for me to be able to have friends or a loved one over, maybe for dinner, maybe for late nights of gaming, maybe even for several days and nights in a row, as long as I know that at the end of it I get to close the door and vanish into my own space for a while. To retire into my own black box.

This is where I try ideas and thoughts out, where I play out scenarios and events in my head, to see how they feel. This is where I can decide not to get dressed in the morning and stay that way until night falls. This is where I can eat whatever I want just because I want to. This is where I recharge my batteries which makes it possible for me to have the energy to do everything else.

If we live together, we'll maintain that lifestyle together. But there must also be lots of time and room to be alone. Completely, unmistakably and absolutely alone. Right now, I just want to live alone regardless. I'm tired of feeling part of my creativity and motivation constantly swirl down into a drain. There is no rest, I must constantly and actively keep afloat instead of just being able to relax and take a breather.

So there are actually more things on my horizon lately; more potential projects in the pipe. I like that. I'm ditching the course in book-keeping for sure. It was interesting in the beginning but I think I'll let those with a passion for it do it instead. I'm a ways into the business planning course, and I love it. It's in phase with my life and mentality. The Kanji project is drawing closer to an end, at least for my part, and I won't miss it. Another project has just begun but more about that later (again) as everything gets on track. Suffice to say it's game development, and there is not a single shred of academic studies involved for me, and I'll not even be the main programmer.

Currently I'm staring at my work computer next to me and at the compiler errors in Flash. I did something wrong in my code, got an error, and now it doesn't seem to matter if I correct it - it still gets stuck on the same error. I actually added in "vaginachildren" (in Swedish, of course) randomly to see if I could get it to fire more errors but nope, still the same error. I have no idea what it's doing, and if there's something I've learned with Flash it's that you can be sure that the error description you get usually have nothing to do with the actual error. I fucking hate Flash. The DOS based game I made 10 years ago did more than this piece of garbage, and when you did something wrong, you could usually quickly track the bug down and squash it.

I do have my own ideas I would like to cultivate during my free time. But, as it looks, I won't really be able to for quite some time. The little energy I have left when I get home doesn't really have a chance to recharge until I go to sleep.

I will write more about both my job and my own projects in not too long. Maybe not write so much about my private projects as I'll try to show them instead.

Assorted Minecraft Suggestions

2010-09-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

Welcome to AMS - my little insignificant corner of the world to which I'll scribble ideas and suggestions for the game Minecraft which is currently in its Alpha phase. Why here? Well, because I don't have much time to wander around forums. Instead of spamming posts or forums I'll just collect it all here. If Mr. Persson would happen to see it then it'd be great. The bottom line is however when I get ideas I must get them out or I'll burst so it doesn't really matter - I have to get them out anyway. So, let's get started...

Tile Graphics Variations
Each block gets a random number (say, from 1 to 10) attached to it at the time of birth. The tile set artist can then define several (in this example up to 10) different variations of graphics for the same tile. When the game is about to render a block it will check if there's an entry made by the tile set artist at the index that the previously mentioned random number points to. Of course, the artist doesn't have to define more than 1 graphic for a tile, but those artists with really awesome ambitions can add up to 10 variations for all tiles. I would guess that this wouldn't be a very complex feature to implement and it would easily give artists a lot to work with.

With variations, think grass that's not just green but might have small flowers in the textures or spots of brighter or darker grass. Think brick blocks, with evenly colored bricks or some with a lone brick of a darker color. Mineral ore blocks that looks slightly different than its neighbours of the same type.

Waypoint Blocks
Simply craft a certain block that when used will give the player a list of all other such blocks in the world, and the ability to name the currently used block (think something like waypoints in Diablo II except you can build them yourself). Select one of the blocks in the list and get instantly teleported there. Personally I think this block should be really expensive. Say, 1 diamond block in a circle of obsidian or something. Nothing you just build after the first 15 minutes of play. There could even be a cost to use the waypoint once (say, you need to put in redstone to power it, or coal, or milk...) increasing exponentially with distance. Exponentially because that will force players to build several in a sort of line to be economic ;-)

I got this idea before Notch mentioned doing something similar to the Ways from Wheel of Time which admittedly sounds really freaking nerdily awesome... but is probably a whole lot more work, but now I'm just guessing. Then again, who says there can't be more than one way to "fast travel". This might be the easy but expensive way, while the Ways would be the less expensive but butt-hurt difficult way.

Lava Powered Furnace
Just because it looks bad-ass, I have placed all my furnaces at the end of a stream of lava. It's like Ironforge, or whatever. From the moment I did, I had always wished that the furnaces would actually get power from just being in contact with lava. Notch did introduce powering furnaces with buckets of lava which is cool, but rather quite expensive in my opinion. Then again, getting infinite power from a pool of lava might be too cheap. Uh... balance it by making adjacent-to-lava smelting go slower? I don't know. I do kind of like the need of going out to find and mine coal though. Then again, you'll always need coal in large amounts anyway to make torches and you'll not have lava around at all times either so you'll probably power most of your furnaces with it anyway.

Election Cheating, as usual

2010-09-19T03:21:00.000-07:00

And of course, some people around Sweden responsible for putting up boxes with every party's slips and gathering the votes have started cheating this election as well. They do this by placing the box with the "normal" parties first and then placing the "other parties" box a good distance away from them. Some even hide these boxes, or refuse to put them up altogether.

They usually claim that they didn't know better, and traditionally they get away with it because there's always someone else who told them to do something or some other until the point when the trail stops cold. It's of course they themselves that decided to do what they did but find it easy to just wave it away and disclaim responsibility. Much like Socialdemokraterna when Moderaterna passed the FRA-law (mass surveillance of the Swedish people and the ability to sell this information to other nations as the government sees fit - I'm not even kidding, this was big news in Sweden by the time), and many from S claimed that they were opposed to FRA even though it was they who had began the work of passing the law in the first place. It sometimes gets reported and the case goes through some procedure of envelopes and folders and "investigations" by some of the same people who doesn't mind election cheating, and yay, corruption.

Stop cheating, you cowards. Yes, you are cowards, and should be punished severely for it. You, personally, not some theoretical person "above" you that "misled" you. You know the facts and rules, then keep to them.

You can't limit freedom of speech and opinions without removing it altogether, and that's like saying "I don't like democracy". No, you don't get to put an "if..." after that sentence. There'll always be people who thinks in other ways than you do, and you can't justify dismantling what you think is democracy just because you don't like their opinions. I wouldn't want anyone to remove SD's (Sweden's nazi party) slips from the tables either even though I completely despise them and their endless hypocrisy.

Link in Swedish:
Some random election cheating on tape from this election, 2010.

EDIT: I just came back from voting and I must say, I was positively surprised about how perfect that particular place handled everything. All parties sharing the same box. A bit too perfect even; as Piratpartiet had snatched a place at the front of the box. Voting went fine, a lot of people there voting so it took a bit of time. Hopefully, the cheating that IS going on is not that common and hopefully most voting places handles things as good as mine.

Election, and Eventful Week Ahead

2010-09-18T18:04:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow will be a sort of a dust off for the upcoming week. It starts with doing some final touches on cleaning the apartment, then meeting Syntium at the train, and afterwards probably lots of walking around in the city, buying food for the days ahead, etc, and pizza of course. Then before it's too late it's time to put my vote for what party I think should sit in the Swedish parliament.

I'll vote Pirate Party ("Piratpartiet") by the way, and I strongly disagree in that it would be a "wasted vote". Many Swedish citizens strongly dislike the recent shameless introduction of mass surveillance ("FRA") and how the entertainment industry (or rather the panicking middle-men of the entertainment industry) bought themselves far too much privileges to act as a privately owned police force ("IPRED"). Not to mention the upcoming ACTA treaty and the data retention legislation (or whatsitcalled) that will for example effectively turn your mobile phone into a tracking device (with a long and convenient history) for the government. Add to this that "We promise we're not nazis"-nazis ("SD") are blatantly marching into the political arena in Sweden with all sorts of anti-foreigner/anti-homosexual views and values. Do we really want a perfect control and tracking system in place that keeps track of where you were when you spoke to who and when when they get a seat in the parliament? In fact, do we want such a system, period? (The answer to that is No, by the way, we don't want that.) The government should be transparent to the people, not the other way around.

Regardless if the Pirate Party actually gets a seat in the parliament in any way, every percent of votes on them will make a clear mark that these questions are very important for a lot of people, and that the established parties can't keep ignoring these questions. The thing is that during the debates leading up to the election, there have been an active strategy not to bring the subjects of mass surveillance and private police (among other things) up. Naturally, since both the left and right side really want the same thing. The left side just call it that they'll "tear the mass surveillance down... and rebuild it but with new make-up so that you'll actually believe the bullshit that the mass surveillance is protecting your integrity or whatever". It's like saying hey, I put a camera over your toilet - but it's ok, it only records in black and white.

Yes, they are a focused party without an "all encompassing" political agenda. For some reason, some people claim that voting for such a party is an irresponsible thing to do. I don't understand that, because at the same time, when asked these people don't even know the entire agenda of the party they're voting for. So, I know my party's agenda and views, agree with them 100%, and I'm the irresponsible voter compared to someone who doesn't even know what they're voting for?

It is true; the Pirate Party's tactics is that they'll "sell" themselves to the side/party that are prepared to give them the best deal. In exchange for a strong voice concerning the Pirate Party's core principles in the parliament, they will automatically vote for whatever their "host" is voting for. Admittedly this is a bit scary, but it's a risk I'm willing to take. If I were to vote either right or left (and don't kid yourself - a vote on any left-wing party is effectively a vote on S and a vote on any right-wing party is a vote for M), I know there are hidden agendas and I know I'm actively and directly giving my support to people with views that I simply don't fully support. Both sides have huge faults (namely Thomas Bodström, the ultra sex moralist, and Beatrice Ask, the woman who suggested punishing people suspected of having bought sex by sending specially colored envelopes to them for the neighbours and family to see) who are probably secretly dancing naked hand-in-hand over meadows (metaphorically speaking of course) after their success in... "protecting" us. Guess what positions they held/hold (respectively)? Why, minister of justice, of course. What better place to put them than where they can do as much damage as possible.

The bottom line; it is certainly not a vote wasted. It's one of the most deliberate and concrete stands one can make in this election (the other one being the racist party probably even thought they seem to want to embed their true agenda in an all encompassing political bag of garbage like everybody else).

Anyway, after the voting there's bound to be a bit of chilling and whatever followed by bed and then Monday. That's when I'm going on a tour at Karlsborg's Fortress, but first there's probably a bit of showing J around town/the apartment/whatever. Again - if anyone knows of any nice apartments that she could rent, give me a shout.

Now, bed!

EDIT: Oh and apparently Minecraft has a free-to-play weekend while the developer Notch sorts some server hick-ups out. That means that you can download the game and play it until he's fixed things without needing a payed-for account! Get hooked! Join us! We have bread and sheep!

The Day After Tomorrow

2010-09-17T18:39:00.000-07:00

I'm about to go to bed, but thought I should write a little first. Tomorrow is Saturday (actually, it's Saturday now but for me it's still Friday until I've slept) and that's the last day before my best friend Julia comes to stay for a week. It was ages since she visited and I'm really looking forward to it. She's coming to look around for an apartment as she's decided to move from Kalmar to Skövde. A much needed move I must say, both for her and for me as well. This town would just feel so much more like home would she live nearby, just a few minutes away and not several hours and several train rides away.

I'll take this opportunity to recommend the website of her book (it is at the time of writing only in Swedish). A few years ago she released her first book. It's about living with schizophrenia, about how it all shaped her childhood and growing up, about finally getting her diagnosis, and about a journey through a living nightmare until finally practically conquering the monster and standing strong.

I totally love you, J.

You're a great inspiration and the best friend I could ever dream of.

If anyone knows of any apartments (for rent) in Skövde, preferably close to Östermalm, then give me a shout! Regardless, visit her site and perhaps Flattr her if you like what she's done why don't ya!

- - -

Next week I'll get in contact with that Flash-developing company that were supposed to "help out" with the Kanji project. I'll try to understand how things are planned for once and see what I'm supposed to do now that the absolute majority of the application has been scrapped and remade. Considering I'm creating modules for the old application at the moment it feels a bit... broken.

Little school next week; like 2-3 classes and a trip to Karlsborg Fortress to take a tour, so I'll have lots of time to wander around town with Julia looking for apartments and letting her "taste" Skövde some. Seriously looking forward to it. It kind of feels like the first time I get to relax in a long while. Not that I won't have lots of things to do with school and work as usual - she just has a unique way of soothing me just by being close and by being happy. Hard to explain. It just kind of just is.

Now I should probably go to bed.

Tomorrow there's apparently supposed to be an update for Minecraft. One day late, but that's fine. Better new features a bit late and good than stressed and broken (or worse - without soul). People should really slap themselves and remind themselves that Minecraft is still in Alpha and not in Beta. Anyhow, looking forward to anything that enriches the already awesome experience.

And remind me not to buy potato chips again. I don't know why I do it. Every time I eat them it's like dropping little grenades into my stomach. The pain and bathroom occupation. Stupid.

Run Over

2010-09-16T19:27:00.000-07:00

So, today I found out that my project leader (for the project I ranted about here) had taken the professional flash-developer company that were hired to help me finish the almost finished project, cut almost all communication with me, and gone ahead and told this company to do everything over from scratch (without looking at the existing code) because apparently a few bugs in the interface naturally means that EVERYTHING is broken (oh my god, one of the walls of the house isn't painted so let's tear the house down start over). The entire system, with assets and kanji database and everything. So... I don't really know what I'm doing at this point, and my employer (who hired me to do this project for the external project leader) just shake their head and wonder what's going on as well. More on that later probably.

Also, getting slightly run over at home as well. I'm so tired of getting less than half of what I'm asking for which is already relatively little - while giving my time, my effort, most of my money and now my sanity.

This has got to end, and I promise - I'm keeping my dignity.

I'm quitting one of my courses, the one about book-keeping. It's just not my thing, but it feels good to have gone to a few classes and at least learned some basics. I might not understand exactly how, but now I understand why. I'm still attending the course in business planning though, and it feels just up my alley. During last class's discussion about whether or not various business ideas would work I think I might have been a bit too eager to talk to be honest.

I love business ideas, and I tend to see possibilities and opportunities in things that others just frown about or see only problems that in my eyes are usually quite easy to work around. I even get frustrated when I see friends with obvious possibilities for success and they just... don't. I have a friend that makes awesome music, good enough to be able to sell easily and with a great shot at becoming popular at services such as Spotify but... nope. Or, my partner here, who is creative and has proven that he is able to produce accessories and even clothes that others say they love, and if he tried he could probably easily make a few of these a month and make a nice bit of money at it but... no. And it just goes on and on.

Personally, I feel I often have ideas but seldom the power to make use of them, something I'm hoping to change with the courses I'm attending and the upcoming project (which I'll get back to later as things progress). I believe I have an eye for seeing when an idea could potentially grow and kick ass, and when it probably would be a waste of time and effort.

Time to sleep.

Buttons, Game Maker and Learning

2010-09-15T16:28:00.000-07:00

Today I dug up a small archive of buttons I made for Game Maker in 2009 partly with the intention that the archive could be a potential resource pack for others, especially for educational purposes. Partly for my own use but I've not gotten around to using them yet.

If you find it interesting, you can find the zip archive for download here.

During the summer of 2009 as well as 2010 I worked as a teacher at Balthazar in Skövde where I taught kids how to make use of Game Maker in just a few days. I created a bunch of other assets for this occasion such as background images (simple photos that were darkened and blurred in order to provide interesting colors but nothing that would stick out too much and disturb the foreground of the games). Little did I realize however that the kids really liked doodling away and create their own colorful Paintesque masterpieces, so my backgrounds were only used by me in my demonstrations...

Now, the buttons weren't really made for these courses obviously. We're talking about kids at the age of 11 to 13 who had never sat with Game Maker before; they would probably not be creating their own editors with custom buttons inside Game Maker for... well, years. I made these for a slightly older audience mainly and put them up on some Game Maker forum. I also made an official looking banner for the post and everything! A bit overkill perhaps but it was fun (and I got to do some actual pixeling! I haven't done that since my old drawing app in QBasic!)

Personally though, I'll start moving more or less completely to Unity3D. I like playing around with Game Maker, but the things I do require some additional functionality that Game Maker simply doesn't give, especially 3D and physics. I will not give up Game Maker completely though - if nothing else it is a great educational tool for people who knows little to nothing about game development and/or programming but would like to learn, and I don't know why but I really liked teaching Game Maker both for students at the University and for the kids. Vastly different experiences and crowds which made it all the more interesting.

A funny little thing to note is that the first thing I taught both the university students and the children was to make their own Pong, and it was perfectly suited for both groups but in different ways. The university students got a grasp of the workings of Game Maker quickly with a familiar game concept touching most parts of the application. The children, while obviously learning like sponges, got to make a simple game together in pairs that they could feel part in making even if only one of the kids happened to do all the actual "creating", as they would both get to play it. Another advantage with Pong when it came to the children was that I sort of guided them into the whole "competitive game" concept from the start. Why, you ask? Because programming computer controlled enemies is a b-tch and opens up a world of problems and an ocean of wasted time, and we only had four days to go from 0 to 100. If they would get stuck trying to make monsters behaving correctly they would know how to at least have fun with only players as actors.

Ah well, enough reminiscing. What I wanted to say was that I like that more and more people, especially kids, start making games and I think Game Maker really is a perfect place to start regardless of age. And I kind of get a kick out of helping people understand how systems work. I personally love when it clicks in my mind and I simply "get" something, and must say I love it when I can cause that effect in others as well.

Does that mean I want to become a full time teacher? Hmm... no, I don't think so. I'm a game developer primarily but I would probably love to teach somehow on the side.

It is dangerous out here, I wish I had a map

2010-09-14T16:49:00.000-07:00

It's good to plan things ahead. Designing games or any other system is, for me, a sort of planning. And designing takes a lot of time. You want to start building a system that will not have to be changed or remade after a little while but can instead be adapted easily. It needs to be smart and cover all the functions that you want from it and it needs to be easily extendable. This requires an overview of the project as a whole - you need to know everything that the system will need to do in order to plan a coherent system.

...there will be lots of it!

You need to know what a house needs to be able to "do" in order to be able to draw schematics and blueprints where all the walls, doors, windows, electrical lines, water pipes, roof, stairs, kitchen, toilets are all simply working. You can't just start building something with half the knowledge of what the house should look like and contain - that would be crazy. Suddenly you might realize that you forgot to put in a bathroom, or space to have stairs when you're supposed to build the second floor. It would be a bit absurd.

Say you build a house and after building the first floor your boss suddenly tells you to put one extra window in every room on the first floor. It's not only to cut holes in the walls and place windows there, the windows should probably be placed where they give the most light to the room, the best view, allow for good furniture placement - all the while keeping in mind where electrical wiring and pipes are. Maybe you even have to rewire some electricity in order to put some of these windows in, which might need a re-planning of those systems in the house as a whole.

It's kind of the same with software production. One project that I'm working on at the moment involves teaching Japanese Kanji through an e-learning application. The idea is rather simple. You log into the application and are presented with a bunch of lessons that teach Kanji. You can then take small challenges (minigames) in order to prove how much you've learned. Then, the application keeps track of your progress and unlocks further lessons and minigames, and so forth. Sounds simple, but that explanation is like saying "we want a red two floor house with 5 rooms, a bathroom and a kitchen, a balcony and a gravel pathway to the black front door". It says nothing of how to actually structure everything, how things should interact and work together to form this intended result. That is where architects come in and make sure everything is planned before construction starts.

When it comes to software and games it seems like this planning stage, the drawing of the blueprints, is often overlooked. Inexperienced people tend to want to go from the above description of the result and then say "hey, what I want is really quite simple, so just start making it and if you start now shouldn't you be done with the first floor by the end of the week?". No... no, I won't. Not unless I've done this exact same thing before and/or simply just have a huge repository of already-made parts for me to just puzzle together - and even then it needs planning because I won't know what parts I need until I've figured out the underlying system as a whole anyway and that takes time!

Of course, there can actually be too much planning as well in some circumstances. An old article at BoingBoing explains it beautifully. In short, sometimes one should just go for it, and not plan and mentally test every single part of the project before construction starts. In some cases it's good with a portion of randomness and exploration in order to, for example, find some new game play concept. This sort of requires that there is no really concrete destination in the first place so it's slightly off-topic when it comes to my rant.

The project I'm working on now is sort of like a nightmare in that aspect. It is an interesting project, but the longer I work with it, the more work is required by every little change or addition to the end result. While it's probably possible, it has become extremely difficult to keep everything "in my head". When I code I comment like an angel, and I'm not kidding. I almost always comment my code as if someone else is supposed to read it even though I know they won't. Regardless, after a while the project becomes so huge that it's impossible to remember how everything works because if you try to follow the workings of the code you get lost sooner or later when the code forks into lots of functions and loops and other classes - not to mention files in entirely different editors (AI, XML, AS, FLA, PNG, etc).

...I need some.

An example of how the frak the application I'm working on works; the Kanji application has a Main class that keeps track of showing and removing sections of the application as the user navigates between them. This could be from showing the splash screen, login screen, grade and progress overview, minigame overview, lessons front page, lesson slides, minigames themselves, and probably some other things that I've forgotten right now. There is also a parallel class named Database which takes care of loading all the information about hundreds of kanji and radicals from a bunch of XML files, and offers functions for the rest of the application to fetch important information about kanji or radicals. Such as image URL for kanji, what radicals a kanji uses, what their image URLs are, what their public name is, what lessons are referred to in a grade, what kanji is referred to in a lesson, and so forth. Not to mention, the Database sends information to the lesson section of the application.

The lesson part takes care of showing lessons, which is a package of a few kanji and their lesson slides. Each slide is defined in XML and tells where and when to show video, still graphics, text and when to play sounds. It can also define buttons and make every other item clickable as well. Video and sound can trigger the application to move to another slide when they're done playing, and some of the slides are hidden to the user until automatically navigated to, and so forth. This is a system that admittedly still contains a few bugs (namely in the preloader part, which is actually a whole different part of the application...), and is one of the most complex systems in the application. Of course, from the eyes of the user, this is simple. The sucky part is when an employer sees it in the same way. Then again, it is understandable if you've not worked with programming before (or Flash and ActionScript 3 which... no I won't even go there right now). It doesn't make it any less of a problem though.

Now I could go on to explain in detail how the asset loader works, how the rather huge file archive is organized, how the XML format is structured to be easily readable and modifiable by people with little computer experience, how the Database works to tie different heaps of information together (grades, lessons, kanji, radicals) while not completely crashing every time there's a slight error, and how the player progress class works with the Database and challenges to find out what kanji to send to the challenges and what progress data to update when a challenge is completed without forming a weave of spaghetti (instead of a spider-web of connections between the classes they send clean and and as stand-alone data they can), etc. But that feels hardly like an interesting read, even though it would be rather therapeutic to write about... ah well.

The biggest problem with this project is that the planning and construction of the software needed to be done at the exact same time in order to have a chance to keep up with deadlines and milestones, while at the same time updating and changing the vision of the end product. This is like starting to build a house before having all the blueprints of the parts you are building, while at the same time getting new updated blueprints of things you've already built. Every time some new addition or change is made, you need to go back and make a new plan of how to change/adapt both the existing plan, what you've already built and the new change so that they work as a whole.

This means that the more the application grows and the more complex the system becomes, every change and/or addition to the intended result requires more and more work to incorporate - even when the change might seem small. Add a light switch to the other side of the room as well? Sounds simple, but naturally requires you to put electrical wiring in the walls to that place, etc. The more actual construction you've made, the longer it will take to change it. You can relatively quickly change a blueprint (but as I said, even that might take some time and work).

...sadly has nothing to do with this.

At this point, the system is huge. I slammed headfirst into a concrete wall the other week as I started building another fairly simple minigame for the project which was in my mind just a slight alteration of one minigame that I've already made. A form of quiz. The first minigame showed kanji images and had the user type the correct translation. The second would simply show the kanji's radicals (parts) instead. Somewhere when I planned how the lessons worked and how information was stored about kanji and radicals I had taken a slightly wrong step. The Database (the part responsible for keeping track of kanji and radicals and their relations) can happily regurgitate what radicals a kanji contains, and even with some simple cross-reference searches through the databases find what kanji a radical is used in (as many radicals are part of many different kanji), and what humorous illustration to show to explain the meaning of a radical. But - the database has no idea what a radical actually looks like! This was a gap in the planning of the XML structure way back, when I decided that it was impossible to store any one image for a single radical in the radical XML definitions because of the fact that one radical could look slightly different in different kanji. So instead, I let the kanji contain all of its individual radicals. This worked perfect when manually defining all the lesson slides, but now when I need to ask the Database what image is which radical... it has no idea. It can make guesses that would probably be correct most of the times, but that's hardly good.

So, what do I have to do in this case? The easiest way proved to be to go through 20-30 XML files, find out what image frame is used for which radical in every kanji, and make new sections with XML keys (or tags or whatever you call it) in each kanji, defining in an easily fetchable way what I need to know.

Again, might sound simple, but not only did it take a while to get to that conclusion, I've noticed some cases where I know this won't work. Some kanji seem to use radicals that aren't defined in the radicals XML files, and I have no idea why that is since I wasn't the one writing most of these files (we actually hired someone to do this for us a while back so that I could concentrate on coding).

Fuck.

I would love a map right now. It seems that if Flash doesn't give me little random gifts of unimaginable inconsistent stupidity, then the system I've made so far just confuses the fudge out of me. It's big. At least for one person with no previous experience of making anything remotely similar. And when I work with one part of the system for a long time, I start forgetting exactly how the other parts work. This is fine, as long as they do what they should, but then you realize - such as in my latest problem with the radicals - that you need to dive into these parts again to make changes... without messing anything that works up.

About signatures and living in the future

2010-09-12T06:29:00.000-07:00

I might have managed to make the Flattr work since it no longer says "Inactive" on the individual post pages, but there's really no way to tell. That's until someone stumbles onto my site with a Flattr account and finds my rantings interesting enough to click one of the buttons. I wish there was a way to just test it myself, to simulate a click just to see if I've got things right. Anyway, doesn't matter much if they're all the same anyway for now, it'll just look a bit strange.

Also, I've been playing around with my site banner. Can't really decide which one to pick. I like clean and simple, but I also like to have footprints somewhere in it as well. The one with the print in the "o" was my first attempt at incorporating the symbol but I'm not sure. I like the middle one most at the moment of the two with prints, but I really like the first one with only simple letters. Maybe I should try some other variant where I don't touch the letters...

Oh, and I like living in the future, by the way. I'm watching Chris Hansen "To Catch An ID Thief" on YouTube on one screen, fiddling with my blog and stuff on the other, and working on my work laptop at the same time. On top of it I'm only using one set of keyboard and mouse on both computers through Synergy+ which really speeds things up. And, in the end, everything I work with gets saved onto Dropbox serving as a simple shared folder on both computers so there is no need to send files over using ftp or usb-memory sticks or whatever.

EDIT: Huh... As I forgot to put a title on the post at first the Flattr button said "Error", but none of the others did. I guess that's a sign that it probably actually works. I just thought I'd see it appear in the list of my submitted "things" on Flattr. Maybe that's just for manually added things?

EDIT: Added a quick forth version. Can't sleep. Possibly too much coffee today, even though it was hours ago I had my last cup. There's admittedly a lot going on in my head at the moment though.

Let's try something new

2010-09-11T20:19:00.000-07:00

I just registered with Flattr, a sort of microdonation service. I got an invitation for it once that I didn't use until now. I don't know, maybe it's not invite only anymore. Short explanation of what it is... You deposit a bit of money to Flattr, and tell Flattr to take a bit of that money each month as your monthly Flattr amount. Whenever you see a Flattr button on someone's site, you can click it to give the owner a slice of that monthly sum that you set aside. Every click during that month will give a slice, but at the same time making the slices smaller - the total sum will never exceed the monthly amount that you set aside (the actual money won't be transferred until the end of the month). By depositing some money, you can put Flattr buttons on your own items (blog posts, stuff like that). An interesting and easy way to give some love to the things you like without the risk of losing control of how much you give.

So anyhow, I just hope I did this right. I followed some tutorial, pasted some code here and there, and here we are. Suddenly there are Flattr buttons next to each post title. Hopefully they're all unique and not all the same button... I guess time will tell.

I'm dead tired. Looking forward to not setting my alarm and just sleep because it feels like I need it. Tomorrow I have work to do (I'm trying to make a minigame work in the Kanji project) and the upcoming week will probably be quite intense. School gaining momentum, new projects starting up, trying to conclude some overdue things in the Kanji project, preparing the messy apartment before my best friend arrives next weekend. It feels like I have it under control though.

Looking forward to start playing with Unity more on top of everything. Oh, and play more Minecraft (which incidentally was my very first Flattr)!

EDIT: Crap, it seems they are all the same button, and that they only work on the main page - otherwise they're inactive. I get that, since I added the main page as a "thing" on Flattr, but I have no idea how to fix that. I could add all posts manually to Flattr which would probably make the individual pages' buttons work, but that would still not change the fact that the main page showing a summary of the blog will show an other Flattr button on each post. It won't make any difference for me nor anyone who decides to Flattr me, but it's comfusing.

Dusted off the old blog

2010-09-11T05:32:00.000-07:00

A redesign of the blog with brighter colors, and a whole lot of spam comments removed. I guess you could say I put out the old duster and cleaned the place up a bit. Before you read any of my older posts and say to yourself "hey, how can he claim to be any good at interface design with light gray text against white background" or something - my previous blog theme was mostly black, and I just don't care to change all my old posts and fix their coloring.

I'm currently working with Kanji Academy still - an e-learning application that teaches Japanese Kanji symbols. I only have two more months to go, and truth be told I'm quite looking forward for it to end. While it started out fine, it has turned into a strange grind of perpetual changes and updates and on top of it all Flash and ActionScript 3 is simply not... good. I honestly hate how it makes the simplest of things a bitch to do.

I'm also currently studying book-keeping and business planning. Over the years I've come to realize what I am and what I'm not, and cannot really see myself working in a bigger company - at least not yet. It's not that I think I couldn't pull it off, I just feel like I wouldn't be comfortable doing it for any extended period of time. I have a different way of thinking and quickly feel frustrated when people gets stuck in a "this is the way it's always been" mentality, and I'd rather try doing things my way for a while.

I do have other projects "in the pipe" so to speak because regardless of what I do I need money to live and survive, but more of those things as they progress.

On another note; I really wish to promote this Indie title: Minecraft

It's a game about running about in a randomly generated world, mining, building things, exploring, landscaping, and trying to survive the monster filled nights. Beautiful, kicks AAA-titles in the face, and I've probably spent close to 100 hours playing it so far. Also, it is the scariest game I've played in years next to Silent Hill 2. It's so extremely spot on and is one of those games that would NEVER be planned, produced and released by any conventional larger game company - it's just so different from today's usual games in every aspect.

Update

2009-12-12T08:27:00.000-08:00

Ah, the blog. February, seriously? I seldom have career-related things to write about, but I suppose I could give a little update. Much has happened, after all.

For one, I have been working for place called Balthazar as a teacher for kids age 12-14. I taught two groups, one week per group (during the summer holidays), the very basics in designing game ideas and then realizing them using the software Game Maker 7. It was very different from teaching university students, but also really interesting. The problems that kids have, and some of the ways that they think at that age, really turns things upside down for me as someone who has studied games and worked as a professional game developer. For one, it re-taught me one valuable thing that I've forgotten since I was a kid myself; when making games, don't forget to have fun, and most importantly - DO - don't think too much. My problem the last few years has been that I plan too much, weigh things over in order to find perfection, before I even do any production work. The result of this? I don't do anything at all. Instead, I should just sometimes have a small idea and let it grow as I MAKE it, in Game Maker, or Unity perhaps, or some other high level tool.

Since summer, I've started work at the University of Skövde as a research assistant. My goal is to create, using Flash and ActionScript 3, an application/game for teaching Japanese Kanji. I'm the programmer, and to some degree game designer, while my employer (or project leader) is the one who actually knows Kanji and Japanese. It's a somewhat straightforward job, and since I knew no Flash at all in the beginning of the project, it is one that is sure to let me develop my skills.

During this job, which is only half-time, I'm hoping to be able to start some own projects. Maybe i C# or maybe Unity. I have a dream that someday I get to make small games, myself or in a team of 2-3 people, and try to sell them digitally on portals such as Steam or Xbox Live Arcade. I'm not sure I fit into a massively huge corporation with hundreds of people, where the projects cost tens of millions and there is pressure from all sorts of investors. As an indie developer I'd have less safety perhaps, but I would have a much greater freedom to create what I want, and to experiment. I would know that I, myself, was responsible for it to succeed, and that I, myself, was controlling it. And now when digital distribution is fast, simple and (for both developer and consumer) quite cheap, there really is no need to be dependent on a huge middle-man other than to pour in money in advance.

Let's see how that goes. Other than that, and if I happen not to write any more in a while, I would like to wish you a Merry X-mas!

Others sharing my views on piracy

2009-02-21T08:13:00.000-08:00

...and even more and more people are getting these things as the days go by.

Take a look here for example [Get Hulu Content on Your TV without Hulu's Help] (Lifehacker blog), where they explain that a whole lot of people want convenience rather than "things for free". The monetary price is not the only thing counted into the investment of acquiring movies/games/etc. Convienience (that I called "simplicity" in earlier posts) is a very important factor.

People get this, and say this, and show this. And even publishers, such as Gabe Newell, founder and managing director for Valve (Steam). Steam - which by the way Mezmer Games (Paradox Interactive) apparently are planning to use as a distributor. Hm, I wonder if Gabe too will be banned from that site for his opinions. Here is a snipped from a DICE conference (thank you Daniel for the link) with Gabe (which I accidentally write "Game" over and over again):

"Gabe doesn't believe that pirates are really seeking to get things for free. They are people that spend thousands on their PC's and Internet service. He believes that pirates are beating companies on service. He cites TV shows not available in certain parts of the world. Pirates have TV shows up on the Web minutes after they have aired."

EDIT 2009-04-17: An entry on Aftonbladet's website (Swedish newspaper)

"The Pirate Bay är inte ”morgondagens industri”, men den ligger närmre lösningen än problemet. Utan tjänster som the Pirate Bay hade förmodligen inte den nya generationens digitala tjänster som Spotify existerat. Morgondagens vinnare är de som inser att de inte tävlar om gratis utan om service."

Clarification of My Opinion on Piracy

2009-02-19T03:31:00.000-08:00

I believe that "piracy" (aka file sharing) can help push for new business models. Here I will explain, give examples, and provide links to business models that I believe prove my point.

The world changes, and so does people, their needs, and subsequentally the businesses. I believe that the businesses cater the consumers - not the other way around. If you believe it's the other way around, you might succeed for a while, but eventually when the world does change while you stick to old methods you will start to lose.

Some understand this and adapt, but yes - it is risky. Many simply want to cling to old methods, because hey, they are proven to work. Yes, they did work, but that is changing. People once made money on selling ice for people to keep their food cold, but times changed, technology changed, and a better option emerged. It may seem as a silly example, but it really isn't. The world is constantly evolving - society, economy, values, trends. Change is inevitable. So, don't mistake proven to have worked in the past with will always work, because that is the same as saying we must do all we can to stop the inevitable changes in the world.

As I've mentioned, there are already examples to new ways, new business models, that have emerged because of the evolution of technology and demand of the customers. Customers have started demanding simplicity and accessibility and freedom to choose what they want, in contrast to being fed with only the latest and most hyped products that can be found in stores.

One example I always point at is Steam. It is simple - you can browse plenty of games, download game demos, read information and interact with a large gaming community. If you like a game, you can buy it online, and with a single click download and install the game, and play it. After you have payed for it, it is yours, regardless of what computer you are on as long as you are logged in to Steam. The prices are usually reasonable, but since it's not Steam who puts the price tags on individual games some can in some absurd cases be even more expensive than in the ordinary stores...

Today, I got a link from a friend that I found most interesting (thanks Henrik). It is a video presentation by Michal Masnick (Editor at Techdirt blog, President of Floor64) where he explains how Trent Reznor and NiN (Nine inch Nails) have succeeded in a business model where they give away their music for free online (sharable by the fans) and yet make money. It is a very interesting presentation, it's just 15 minutes long, so if you have a little extra time on a lunch break then why not take a look.

Connect with the fans + give them a reason to buy = you will get things sold. It's a simple model really, provided that you manage to fulfill the equation.

And actually - similar concepts can be seen in many games already.

Take Dreamlords The Reawakening for example - it connects to fans by having a free and downloadable game and a community, and it offers in-game benefits for those who decide to buy those benefits. If the fans are engaged in the game enough, and the benefits are good enough from an online game perspective, then people will buy those benefits.

Look at Aeria Games, who also use that concept. All their games (if I'm not mistaken) are free to download and play, forever. You don't have to pay anything in order to play them, if you don't want to. That is quite a nice way of connecting with your fans, as well as inviting new ones (especially in trying times such as these) as it also provides free publicity - the product's name is spread via word of mouth. They have a great community, and then they offer in-game benefits for those who find it worth the money - and people do pay for those extra benefits. Not all of them, maybe not even the majority, but they don't have to.

These business models are risky, simply because if you are unable to connect with fans (they might simply think your game sucks, or that you as a company suck), and because even if you do connect with fans, you might fail to provide with a good enough reason to buy something (you would probably fail if your model was based on selling physical copies of the game disc, with the game title written by hand with a marker pen, shipped in kitchen plastic bags... or maybe not?). But the same risk is present for old "proven" methods as well. Your marketing might fail and/or your product might fail.

For "offline games", the method could actually be similar to that of Trent Reznor's in the presentation. I'll throw an example... Spread a copy of your game freely, connect with the players via a community or similar, and make them interested in you and your game. Then, you can provide the service of playing that same game over fast and stable multiplayer servers for a fee, or you can sell a nice special edition box containing perhaps an art booklet, a hard cover story pocket book, and maybe something that is signed by the developers. Things with a more intimate value that simply can't be copied. That is the reason to buy, anyway. Don't forget to successfully connect to your audience as well and make them interested in the game AND in you. Right now, I believe that you are more likely to touch the heart of most gamers if you show you are on their side and not on the distant huge-corporation-people-permanently-in-suits-fighting-piracy side.

Remember, you cater them. Not the other way around.

Beginning of 2009

2009-02-14T07:39:00.000-08:00

I thought I should mention my activities of late...

I'm still looking for a job, but I am also working on some own projects. These projects are part for fun and part to provide something to show in future job applications.

Apart from that, I have become a member of quite a few game related communities over the years. The lastest addition to my expanding list of bookmarks is the
Mezmer Games
community. I have also become a member of a Swedish gamer community called GamePlayer.

EDIT: I do not wish for this to blow up in anyone's face - opinions are opinions, we all have them. But, I was banned from MezmerGames for questioning the opinion of their executive vice president. For my own defense and to clarify, I post the discussion in its entirety here. I don't think I did anything wrong, and to my knowledge didn't break any rules and my intention was not to "troll" - I was discussing, keeping anyone's person out of the debate as usual, completely non-anonymously. Banned without any spoken reason. Not even a warning? Just "I feel offended, lets ip-ban".

Honestly, though, I actually doubt he even actually read what I wrote other than the first few lines, and then lashed at me afterwards because the world economy is as it is. He is responsible for marketing. I don't know. But I feel that if he were to actually have read what I was saying, he wouldn't have misunderstood my point of view as he apparently did, and just left it at "agree to disagree" and not compared piracy with arson (or, gathering friends and burning down my house). It was an unprofessional move by him to turn the debate personal. Even though things are crap with the economy, you have to keep it focused.

Hey, I'm unemployed - next month I will literally be out on the street if I or my mate can't find a job - I know how it feels to have an economic crisis. But for me, that just means I need to focus more.

I wish MezmerGames, the users and the team behind it, good luck. I wished I could have been part of it and been there to see something unique grow, but after this I sort of have mixed feelings. I want Mezmer to succeed (or rather, their clients) but I'm not sure I have that confidence in Mezmer after that treatment.

EDIT in 2010: Mezmer fell flat a short while later.

Links to my community profiles of interest:

~~Mezmer Games~~ (Indie game community)
GamePlayer (Swedish gamer community)
YoYo Games (Game Maker community)
LinkedIn

I am currently looking for work!

2008-11-10T02:42:00.000-08:00

I will be uploading my CV here when it is finished, but until then you can find more information about what I have done so far, my studies and my work experience, by visiting my LinkedIn profile.

I was hired at LockPick until recently to complete a project, which was to create a lot of design for everything from GUI to story to quests and missions, items, descriptions, tutorials, etc, before the game's release - and now that the game (Dreamlords - The Reawakening) is released and able to stand on its own four paws, my work is done. I also did some community relations, involving moderating forums, and answering questions both in the forums and in the in-game chat, as well as on our support.

What I liked to work with the most must have been interface design, as well as the times I got to write text, descriptions and names for various game and interface elements and story. An interface that is as transparent and familiar as possible, and at the same time tailored for Dreamlord's complexity and bound by many restrictions. Descriptions, tooltips, item names, dialog and so on that must both convey a consistent image of the crazy shattered world of Elysion and still explain thoroughly exactly what something is so that players understands what he/she needs in order to play successfully and enjoy the game, all with as few lines of text as possible.

Quality above quantity, consistency above new-and-unproven-for-the-sake-of-new, and aimed for an audience that may know nothing before they get to that perticular piece of interface or dialog.

My primary goal now is to find something in the Stockholm or Gothenburg regions. Both me and my mate are a little tired of living in a small town like Skövde, and are itching to get away to a city where there actually are things to do - new things to explore, more life.

And again, if you want to see a list of my education and experience, then please visit my LinkedIn profile. Thanks!

Update

2008-01-02T02:30:00.000-08:00

I'm currently employed as a game designer at a company called LockPick, located in Skövde. At the moment, we're in the crunchiest period of the production of our game Dreamlords - The Reawakening.

And, I've just recently become a member of an interesting community/network called LinkedIn, and you can find my personal profile below...
...and if you're interested in my hobby games you can either check the other posts of this blog out or simply go check out my YoyoGames profile. YoYoGames is a community for the users of and games created with GameMaker, a tool which despite its' name is rather flexible and useful for creating small one-man games and interface prototypes.

Rainpaper

2007-06-08T01:36:00.000-07:00

- DOWNLOAD: Rainpaper (7.5MB)

Also a game made during the same course in school as NFAB. I designed this game once many years ago as a child when it was raining outside. I was playing around with papers, scissors, some dice, pens and so on, and came up with this. Later on, I redesigned the game so that it only needed one die, pen and checkered paper. This is simply a computerized version of that version of the game. No scoring system or anything; it's just meant as a time killing game.

While studying in the swedish "gymnasium", I often played this on hard just to survive the boring math and physics lessons. Think of the game as part strategic and part random. Don't worry, I also hate games that are completely random.

NOTE: It is important that you read the game's description at the title screen. You may think you've played this game before, but if you haven't played Rainpaper, you haven't played Rainpaper, simply put.

As with NFAB, this game is also locked to 1280x1024 resolution. And yes, the screenshots are actually from different versions of the game taking during the work process. The first screenshot shows a round that took about an hour, using an early version of the game.

Naturally Friendly Air Bubbles

2007-06-08T01:19:00.000-07:00

- DOWNLOAD: Naturally Friendly Air Bubbles (NFAB) (6.3MB)

NOTE: There is a stretched version at 1024x768 resolution for download too, that looks ugly but works for those monitors that doesn't support the game's original resolution.

- DOWNLOAD: stretched 1024x768 version (6.3MB)

A fairly simple game made in Game Maker 6 during a course at school, where we were supposed to make 5 games in about 9-10 weeks. This is one of two games during that course that I got really satisfied with. Lots of things could be done better, particles could be optimized, and music could be added I guess, as well as lots of other things.

Even though it really is daunting with all the text; please read the description of the game on the title screen. It will help you. It's not complicated, it's just a different sort of game. Also note that the game is locked to 1280x1024 resolution. I know now that it's not optimal, but changing it now would mean rewriting large parts of the game.

Introduction to this spot on the big bloggy dog

2007-06-07T10:03:00.001-07:00

Welcome to my corner of the infinate webspace. This blog will contain downloads, thoughts and ideas, notes and works created by me for showcase/portfolio purposes.

I have been working with UnrealEd to create my own maps for Unreal Tournament 2004. I'm so far just a beginner, but I'm learning fast from experimenting, asking around on forums, and watching Buzz3D's tutorials that came with the Editor's Edition of UT2004.

So far, I've made two and a half maps. The first one is rather small and complex, and probably not that well balanced, but was just an attempt at learning the editor. The second map is more balanced and much larger, with several areas and strategic locations of interest, and it also has a nice feel to it. The third map is an experiment with skyboxes, particles and lights to create a good looking weather. So far, it is turning out pretty good, but it's far from complete yet.

I have yet to look into bot support as well as optimized collision, anti-portals if needed, and things like that.

I'm also working with Game Maker 7 from time to time, trying to make prototypes or just fun 2D games. It's really a great tool for me as a designer and hobbyist programmer. Despite its' corny name, it really allows for some advanced programming with its' scripting language (GML) which pretty much looks like a mix of Pascal and C++.

[EDIT] I have also been hired by the University of Skövde to teach the basics of Game Maker for a course in Experimental Game Mechanics, where the students were to create one game prototype per week for a couple of weeks using Game Maker. I was also a tutor for the class both in person and via online messaging for the duration of the course.

Worth mentioning; The games you can find on my site require Windows 95 or up in all probability.